Beer Pong Billionaires

I’m going to tell you about one of modernity’s most predictable hero avatars, and then I’m going to make one of modernity’s most likely predictions about them. Let’s begin with an effusive tribute in the media’s ghetto section. That, of course, being the bouncy ball pages. In this instance readers are regaled with the harrowing tribulations and triumphs of a plucky high school gal named Andraya Yearwood.

Now one of the first things you might notice about Miss Yearwood is her resemblance to Clubber Lang. But Clubber had a Mohawk and not long braids, so you probably won’t actually notice that resemblance at all. The second thing you won’t notice is that Miss Yearwood has a full schedule of male genitalia and a Y chromosome. That might lead some dull bigots to wonder what makes Yearwood a Miss rather than a Mr. But I already told you she has long braids.

There are many transvestites now in the world, but this one is special. Yearwood is a track star and much faster than the non-male females she competes against. This causes furrowed brows in the townsfolk, who are depicted as so darkly provincial they may as well be from Tennessee. But Yearwood not only beats girls, which is good, she beats white girls, which is so much better.

The author explains that Yearwood is not merely a transvestite, but a black transvestite, a fact that is reiterated repeatedly. To colorblind conservatives, such as readers here, it may not immediately be clear why Yearwood’s blackness is so heavily emphasized. The answer is that is to establish proper moral framing. This is not just a mentally infirm white kid of no inherent human value, it is a mentally infirm black kid, and thus well deserving of your sympathy, loyalty, and devotion. Don’t be so obtuse as to ask the author for any more clarity than that.

Though beyond a foundation that blacks are good, and blacks in clothes of the opposite sex are even better, the article does offer insight into historically murky sex myths. For instance…

“A level playing field is a fallacy,” says Dr. Myron Genel, Yale professor emeritus of pediatric endocrinology. He is a member of the International Olympic Committee’s Medical Commission on issues regarding gender identity in athletics.

“There’s so many other factors that may provide a competitive advantage,” Genel says. “It’s very hard to single out sex as the only one.”

It is. It’s very hard to single out sex as any sort of physical advantage. For instance, I’m not a Chicago Bears linebacker, and neither are you. So there’s got to be some reason other than sex that Khalil Mack is. Fortunately, the article goes on to examine these.

There are a host of genetic factors that can give an athlete an advantage, such as fast and slow twitch fibers, height.

See, Khalil Mack is a Chicago Bears linebacker because of fast twitch fibers, not his sex. So if a woman had fast twitch fibers, boiling testosterone, was 6’3, 250 pounds, with a 40” vertical leap, a 4.6 40 yard dash, and could bench press 225 pounds 23 times, then she too could be a Chicago Bears linebacker. It has nothing to do with sex. What’s so difficult about this? And it’s not just all twitching fibers…

Environmental and economic factors are at play, too, such as access to training facilities.

That’s a very important point: training facilities. My friend had a sea turtle who went to our city’s expensive aquatic facility three times a week. I didn’t have that opportunity. As a result I couldn’t swim for an hour underwater like his leatherback.

The point is if you have male musculature, male testosterone, male genitalia, and female clothing then you are a female. Females without those first three factors will just have to rely on training facilities to make up the difference.

Though this answer naturally leads to a question: how much do the highest paid female athletes make? This article addresses that. Of the top ten highest paid female athletes, eight are tennis professionals. The lowest compensation of these was $7 million per year, the highest $18 million. Keep those figures in mind.

Now how much does a professional men’s player make? If you’re Roger Federer, many millions. But if you are ranked worse than 200, this older piece says less than $100,000/year.

That should prompt quite a bit of contemplation from wealthy women with nice training facilities. What might happen if say a $10 million dollar female with a vagina played a $100,000 female with a penis? Actually we don’t have to wonder. Way back in the late 90s a fading German named Karsten Braasch played the two Williams sisters(sic) in consecutive matches. He warmed up by smoking a pack of cigarettes and drank beer in between games. He may as well have also played with his underwear around his ankles because he destroyed them both while barely trying. He was ranked #203 at the time.

Given that precedent, if a penis woman decided to increase her earnings X100 by obliterating vagina women, what precisely would stop her from doing so? Historically shame, ridicule, condemnation, and rational tournament organizers would be adequate. Though within the vomit pail of our cultural milieu, she will count on a far more fulsome public response. Today she would suffer only cheers for her valiant courage, perhaps even if she were white.

Though whether assigned moral value by the media or not, her accountant would be elated. Other sports accountants would quickly notice. Large waist tennis skirts and flesh-toned jock straps would begin selling briskly. And within very few years the women’s locker at Wimbledon would smell like farts, feet, and Old Spice.

None of this strikes me as in any way far fetched. It will certainly strike me as hilarious. Most celebrity female athletes have political opinions sharpened to a razor-edge. Being transphobic simply isn’t prog permissible. So they will rage behind wan smiles as one by one their lucrative careers are scuttled to women who scratch their nuts.

Fortunately for these soon-to-be former professional tennis players, I just may be completely wrong. According to the NCAA handbook called “Creating Positive and Inclusive Athletic Environments for Transgender Athletes”…

the fear that transgender women will be able to dominate women’s sports without effort due to the inherent advantages men have over women is a new iteration of the old stereotypes that kept women & girls out of sports prior to Title IX.

See that’s just an old stereotype. And stereotypes come from nowhere. Besides penis women won’t dominate “without effort;” they’ll dominate with minimal effort—maybe even moderate effort if they’ve been drinking. So gear up for tennis fandom now. Watching drunk trolls in skirts beat seething feminists for seven figure purses might just be the bouncy ball apotheosis.


20 thoughts on “Beer Pong Billionaires

  1. Pingback: Beer Pong Billionaires | Reaction Times

  2. Porter, I don’t know which was funnier, the Clubber Lang reference or farts,feet, and old spice line. Priceless.

    I don’t understand why this writer spent so much space on some unknown tranny athlete (who’s apparently not even that good, he came in 2nd) when we already have Fallon Fox. Here’s a real Clubber Lang who beats the shit out of women for the MMA. Maybe it’s because this one’s in high school. They’re aiming for our children, after all. Also, maybe writing about an unknown is a way to normalize it. Or maybe it’s just a slow news day.

    After Fallon Fox, though, this is old, stale news.

    • The writer took great pains to drape the struggle in a civil rights blanket, thus all the blather about a strong black girl and 90% Caucasians. Whites are the dutiful foil for every POC hero. I suppose if there were three of us left on Earth, we’d have to work in rotating 16 hour shifts to fulfill all the villainy their narrative requires.

      Also, notice Clubber is now being courted by Harvard. The chance of him being accepted there without long braids was precisely zero. So by nothing aside from public cross-dressing, this black kid has life leap-frogged every white girl in the state that he’s been beating in track meets.

      With incentives this extreme, and public recoil pushed to zero from customary threat of career ruination, we may count on a growing surge of stubbly women coming through the ranks. Women without stubble will realize their error the way humans nearly always do: too late.

  3. (S)he really doesn’t look that much like Mr. T; in fact, Serena Williams looks more like Mr. T than (s)he does, but your point is well-taken, and I appreciate your having read that article so I didn’t have to. 🙂

  4. After reading this article, I have decided that we need an American Pinochet to set in motion a Restoration … a Restoration of what is natural and sane. We cannot vote our way out of this. I know that we cannot have Utopia, but by heaven we can seek what is right.

  5. This was among your funniest in recent history, at least. Although, to qualify my praise, I should say that when you’re working with material this rich in natural comedy resources, you’d have to be a late night talk show host to fail to find gold.

    Western society’s downturn into a 24/7 run of the Rocky Horror Picture Show surely does confuse the odd man out who enjoys his freedom from chromosomal confusion. Why all the attention and interest in a phenomenon of the freakiest fringe? Why the pious solemnity over an issue that was nothing more than a cheap punchline among the greater public barely twenty years ago?

    All people seek out novelty in some measure. But our interest in the new, the strange and the different is usually balanced by our love of the familiar and limited by hostile and healthy emotions toward threats to safety and cohesion. We may be curious enough to try a tropical dish, but our mother’s temperate home cooking will always be dearest, while our disgust will typically prevent us from digging into a plate of dog shit. For good reason.

    With the constant leftist thrusting of female penises into the face of the public in all avenues of life, I can’t help but wonder if the desire for novelty has entirely colonized our indigenous instincts. After, all, sporting events and athletic competitions are brutal affairs that perpetuate the capitalist hegemony of patriarchal men. They’re archaic traditions in need of destruction, unless those men tape their dicks to their taints and put on a dress, in which case let the games begin.

    Beauty pageants are degrading spectacles that objectify the bodies of helpless women, unless they feature swimsuits brimming with ballsacks.

    What emerges in such sordid contemplations is a political and cultural left with a voracious appetite for stimulation, but an exhausted imagination. They no longer bother dreaming of improvements to our social structures, economic systems or forms of government. The changes they demand of power are cosmetic, less revolutionary than unsettling. We can imagine for ourselves the leftist comfort with a dominating, censoring corporation, as long as it undergoes gender reassignment surgery.

    The trouble is that the dysfunction underneath the desire to slap a wig and tits on Leviathan lies much deeper than the skin. And we won’t be able to fix it by playing Mr. Potato Head with genders and genitals.

  6. “Beauty pageants are degrading spectacles that objectify the bodies of helpless women, unless they feature swimsuits brimming with ballsacks.”

    Enlightened progressive culture has taught us we may only appreciate or even acknowledge testicles provided they remain demurely camouflaged in epicene flounces, like skirts on Victorian piano legs.

  7. This kind of thing really bothers me because I have two young girls. It’ll be many years before I have to worry about that with them, but things are either going to get a hell of a lot worse, or maybe there won’t even government schools and sports by the time they are old enough(a distinct possibility, but not what this is about). I am not OK with my girls playing any kind of contact sport with guys. Not happening. I hate to think of not allowing them to play something they want to, but I’m not letting them play something like basketball or soccer with post puberty males. My youngest daughter (not 2 yet) could probably kick the shit out of boys her own age, but at 13 or 14 thats not going to be the case anymore, and I don’t want either of them playing some contact sport with post puberty males.

    I want to be the nice dad and let them do whatever they want as far as playing sports, but golf and shooting are the only things I’m encouraging for any of them. There’s a 10 year old girl that shoots 3 gun matches where I live, and she’s my favorite person to watch shoot. Her father obviously has money, as her gear is nicer than mine, and I know she has had classes. She is petite, but she can shoot a 12 gauge Beretta semi-auto like a champ. There aren’t any prizes or any money to be won at these local matches, only bragging rights and good natured shit talking between like minded people, but i almost hope some dude shows up to one of them claiming to be a woman to shoot in that category just to see the mockery that ensues, because the 10 year old is usually the only female, so obviously ‘wins’ the female division. As much as I see insanity gripping the US, in the semi-rural gulf coast, at least such things don’t fly, yet.

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