There’s no ‘Thank You’ in Bengali

Foreign-language mottos still adorn ornate seals; beautiful campuses and hideous professors still lend an air of pompous erudition; and years of productive apprenticeship is still squandered in favor of a haze of pleasurable indulgences. All those trappings of the college experience still seem so familiar that the mass transformation from university to seminary has barely even been noticed.

That’s what our educational institutions are now: seminaries. Whether their graduates can engineer bridges, heal the sick, or design critical angry birds apps is entirely secondary to their role in refreshing the priesthood–or rabbinate as may be more accurate. Of course this functional subterfuge is just my personal theory, and one that could only be confirmed by determining whether poor academic performance or poor racial pieties offers the quicker route to expulsion. Though I’m amenable to making a very large wager on the outcome.

But the most prestigious American seminaries are much less about who gets kicked out than who gets let in. Admission to these institutions is intensely competitive, not because one has a superior method of teaching accounting, but because they are rightfully viewed as tickets to lifestyle opportunity. An opportunity to enjoy a lifestyle of old wines and young wives.

Because access to these elevated opportunities is rationed, top echelon institutions serve as a first–and highly effective–filter to stratify the American caste system. Ivy League graduates are effectively ruling class designees. As such, it is considered imperative that the future ruling class embrace philosophies the current ruling class finds most felicitous. This is called management succession planning. And it is why seminary administrators are far more focused on the curriculum of Why America Belongs to Bangladeshis than whatever the mathematics department is droning on about.

And that’s a fitting segue to this tale of plucky matriculation.

Muslim teenager repeats #Blacklivesmatter 100 times on Stanford application and is accepted

When Ziad Ahmed was asked on his Stanford University application “What matters to you, and why?”, his answer was clear.

He wrote: “#BlackLivesMatter”, repeating the hashtag exactly 100 times to highlight the excessive use of police force which disproportionately kills black men and women.

Perhaps other applicants shouldn’t have spent so many hours agonizing over their own writing, and instead just submitted 100 repetitions of #PraiseKek1488 on their Stanford essay. Admissions officers do appreciate courage and conviction, they say.

Though to clarify a point in the quoted passage above: police force doesn’t disproportionately kill blacks, unless you believe getting killed by police should have no correlation to committing criminal acts. The media could just as well inform us that “snake handlers are disproportionately envenomated by cobras” without any variance in their intended dishonesty.

It’s remarkable to consider the extraordinarily competitive nature of Stanford admissions, and that young Mr. Ahmed squandered the essay portion of his application on a zero-effort race stunt…and was admitted. As I mentioned, ordaining clergy is now the primary objective.

“Everyone who received your application was inspired by your passion, determination, accomplishments, and heart,” the acceptance letter read.

It added: “You are, quite simply, a fantastic match with Stanford. You will bring something original and extraordinary to our campus – a place where you can learn, grow, and thrive.”

The Bangladeshi-American has already attended the White House Iftar dinner, a religious observance of Ramadan, and in 2016 he interned for Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign.

Of course he worked for Clinton. Though my question is: why isn’t he a Bangladeshi-Bangladeshi? If an observer were to say the one country on Earth most abundant with Bangladeshis is a filthy human latrine, Ahmed and his academic benefactors would howl. Yet when he validates the assertion with his own feet, they coo.

And though Stanford’s list of his personal attributes were gratifying, I’m sure, they did make one conspicuous omission: appreciative.

To me, to be Muslim is to be a BLM ally, and I honestly can’t imagine it being any other way for me,” Mr Ahmed said.

In 2015 the 18-year-old gave a TedxTalk in Panama about what it was like to be a Muslim teenager in the US.

Mr Ahmed is also involved in combating racial stereotypes.

Like the stereotype of entitled, ungracious, navel-gazing muslims?

We live in a world where we are suffocated by societal expectations,” he said, adding he had been “labelled more times than a GMO [genetically modified product]”.

He’s been labeled more times than a GMO, yet has been on far fewer flights out of the country than one, alas.

Though while shackled to the soil of oppressors, he is made to suffer an MTV special, photo ops with presidential candidates, Ted Talks, and Stanford acceptance over thousands of America’s own sons and daughters. Only Ziad Ahmed knows the depths of his pain.

Like so many of his peers, this coddled complaining foreigner is a marvel of malicious solipsism even as a youth. He was owed nothing by the people of this country, and has foolishly been given everything. Customarily, his gratitude arrives in the form of a petulant whine. The current ruling class would have it no other way.

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21 thoughts on “There’s no ‘Thank You’ in Bengali

    • “I say explain to me the racial gaps in our country’s education, healthcare, employment, wealth and incarceration. ”

      They have a low IQ. Explanation over.

      What do I win?

      • It really is that simple. Though since that explanation is publicly unavailable to those who wish to remain employed, rhetorical questions like the one you cite are used as challenges since the asker understands the recipient only has an answer he can’t use in the debate.

        If acknowledging shortness resulted in ruined careers, then when a midget demanded to know why he’s always having to look up at other people rather than the other way around, you can count on the answer being “because the Earth is tilting unfairly away from you.”

  1. If America were a stock, I would have shorted it long ago based on who they are hiring.

    Sadly, I’m afraid it’s not the last we are going to see of this fine young brown man. He would make an excellent running mate for Chelsea in 2032.

  2. What a happy story–Stanford publicly humiliated by applicant. (Assuming they weren’t expecting Ahmed to publish his essay and his expression of shock that Stanford rewarded his lazy prank) Hopefully the Stanford admissions board is sharp enough to catch the snub.

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  5. I reckon The Fabulous Ziad is holding back his coming out as gay/queer/whatevs, waiting for the moment when it will garner him the most accolades. No point playing your full hand all at once when even your 7 of Diamonds out ranks four Aces when those Aces are held by the wrong kind of white college applicant.

    One must admit, this discriminated against scion of a millionaire hedge fund manager has an ear for the zeitgeist.

    “We live in a world where we are suffocated by societal expectations,” he said, adding he had been “labelled more times than a GMO.”

    I mean c’mon! That’s sheer brilliance. Sure, sure, the presumption that society “suffocates” him with gender-normal expectations is the complete reverse of reality, but this boy is on message 24×7. He’s already locked down a career of speech making at five figures a pop, no matter if he ever finishes his degree in Grievance Studies at Stanford. His first book — a memoir, one assumes — is probably already in draft. Watch your back, Tennessee Coates! The Fabulous Ziad is encroaching on your universe of imagined grievances! Imagine the tales of woe. People in school expected me to play sports because I was a boy! (ha ha, yeah, sure, no doubt he was mistaken for the quarterback every day)

    Though he’s treading on dangerous ground trying to wrest the mantle of #BLM from the herd of angry black lesbians that run that show. If push comes to shove, they would crush him in a Bangladeshi Minute.

  6. I went to UC Berkeley for 4 years 1966 to 1970 and got a degree in Civil Engineering. We had great professors, despite all the stupid rioting. After I graduated, I did not stay for ceremonies, but headed north to work. I was back there once 20 years ago, and that was enough. Tuition and living costs were reasonable when I went to school there. Now, you cannot afford the costs and the debt. I would never send my children there. There are other alternatives for people who want education without becoming indentured servants to the gubmint. You must be smarter. All this PC stuff at colleges is nothing but indoctrination. Make your own life.

  7. And a good thing Ezra was ensonced in the safe observatory of St. Elizabeth’s Asylum whence he could cast his gimlet eye on the doings Out There.

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  9. Fret not, keep out Whites and all they get is beheaded or shot. Parasites that suck that will die quick, methinks. The stupid leech has lost its last wit. It now embraces their murderer as they look for Nazis under their bed.

  10. I don’t care what the peoples is sayin’ Ima beat this horse some more. Atlanta Public Schools cheating scandal, is this not the biggest underreported story of the decade? I see a correlation, not only with this latest log out of the Brahmaputra, but Sue Rice, and well…

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