Never Look a Gay Mexican in the Mouth

For a few years in the bloom of youth a crew of us would periodically attend a local NFL home game. The point of which being much less to exhort the efforts of African mercenaries than to leer at cheerleaders and enjoy the camaraderie of drunken bullshitting. Though there was one game when even those pleasant diversions seemed insufficient, and so we trooped out of the stands looking for misadventure.

One of our party suggested the day would be a complete loss if the second half were to commence without our viewing it from one of the stadium’s lavish luxury boxes. We all agreed that was certainly the case, with the only acknowledged impediment being our lack of box-seat credentials–and that wasn’t impediment enough.

So we slipped past a disinterested guard on the mezzanine and made our way to a stately row of locked doorways. About to either give up or simply knock, a middle aged guy emerged in almost perfect synchronicity with our approach to one of the doors. So I grabbed the handle before it could swing closed, smiled broadly at his confusion, and said “Helluva game, huh?” He hesitatingly agreed that it was, but finally proceeded on his way allowing us to stroll in unmolested.

Now this was a spread befitting men of our self-perceived stature. Free food and drink (free for us, at any rate), attentive waitstaff, and soft leather seating made our noses quickly grow long looking down disdainfully at the common dregs beyond our polarized plate-glass. Yes, this was the life for us. How could we have not thought of this sooner?

Excuse me?

There was a momentary pang of annoyance at being interrupted in the midst of an engrossing 17th retelling about that weekend with those girls. Though, bound by etiquette, I paused to look up and ask, “yes?”

Who the hell are you?

Well, that wasn’t a very nice question to ask. With more contemporary sensibilities I would have been suspicious we were being profiled as people highly unlikely to spring a hundred Gs on a luxury suite. And profiling is literally 20th century German national socialism. But I didn’t realize that at the time, and so simply conceded that we were undocumented ticket holders fleeing the war and poverty of the cheap seats.

I suppose our host must have dimly comprehended his moral obligation to grant us permanent asylum in the luxury box of our choice; though his nativist, xenophobic impulses ultimately prevailed. Shaking his head in disbelief he said.

Alright guys, you can stay the rest of this quarter. But at the start of the fourth you’re out of here or I’m calling security.

Sure, go ahead and call your brown-shirted box-seat border guards. No fan is illegal! But the truth was I had had a hilarious time already and knew our little gig was definitely on a timer. So Q4 was fine with me. But I was the pragmatist among idealistic antifa. And one of them stood before our accuser and announced that if he was going to talk to us like that we would just grab one or two more drinks for the road and leave right then and now.

I didn’t find this threat to leave to be a particularly well-conceived gambit given the frailty of our negotiating position. An opinion I subsequently shared with my friend as we were being escorted out the door a few moments later.

And though we laughed about the experience that day and many after, there was an important lesson beyond the one to not hire narcoleptic guards. That lesson being: never look a gay Mexican in the mouth.

I don’t actually know if Mexican economy minister Ildefonso Guajardo is gay. But I do know he negotiates like a drunk in someone else’s box. Discussing the looming NAFTA renegotiations, a perturbed Guajardo asserted that if Trump was going to talk about his siphon-hose of a country like that, then the Mexicans will just pack up their free-trade agreement and leave.

“If we’re going for something that is less than what we have now, it doesn’t make sense to stay in,” Guajardo said.

Beating numberless competition, I present the world’s dumbest Mexican. Of course it’s probably just the bluster of machismo, but what he’s saying is that zero is better than 80 if Mexico can’t keep having 100. And 80 is an important number for the minister to remember. Because that’s the percentage of his country’s exports sold to America. Having this enormous market (and source of national wealth) severely constricted would likely result in an enthusiastic return to the tradition of tumbling heads at Chichen Itza.

Poor Guajardo simply has little room to preen. Mexico exports their Indians and underclass, imports jobs and billions in remittances, and then presumes Trump will quake at their threat to scuttle the whole one-sided arrangement.

Why wait until the fourth quarter?

Speaking in favor of a “Mexico First” policy (excluding his citizen’s country of residence) Guajardo has said his delegation will “absolutely” walk away from the negotiating table if the wall and remittances are placed upon it. Ahh well, que sera sera. If Trump decides Mexico isn’t really offering us anything more than millions of uninvited Mexicans, he may just accept Guajardo’s offer to leave the luxury trading box right here and now. That would mean higher tequila prices for us, and Venezuela for them. Once the wall gets built that’s a trade I can contemplate with calm composure.

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51 thoughts on “Never Look a Gay Mexican in the Mouth

  1. Pingback: Never Look a Gay Mexican in the Mouth | Reaction Times

  2. For those despairing on both sides of the border, there is hope. Just as Dorothy discovered she always had the power to go home, American liberals may discover that they always had the power to be independently charitable with their own money. It would behoove those who spent money traveling to protests to ask if a struggling Mexican would prefer the cash to their unique protest talent and signage. Although Trump is stealing sympathy long reserved for only Mexicans and handing it to their American victims–financial and otherwise–liberals can click their heels and fill the void.

  3. The guards on duty the past 24+ years (ok 52 years) have not been narcoleptic, they’ve been complicit sabateurs. Their object has been nothing less than the total dilution of the specialness of our particular luxury box until we are all cheek to jowl in an inch of barf and piss in standing room only.

  4. Porter, this is probably your best title ever. I laughed before i even started on the post. The Mexican negotiating position is hilarious. I just hope trump is smart enough and strong willed enough to stick to it. They WILL come crawling back to he negotiating table if they want to keep the US as a market, or it will end as you suggested, a la Venezuela. Its been clearly documented that they are exporting their “indians and underclass” for a long time. The left’s constant insistence that they are such a boon to the US economy ignores a glaringly obvious question – if Mexicans are such a boon to the US economy, then why isn’t Mexico, which someone still has even more Mexicans than we do, experiencing a constant economic boom?

    This guy has about as much negotiating power as the black night:

    • That’s the question I always ask…these mestizos are supposed to be irreplaceable to the US economy, and yet the Mexican government can’t get rid of them fast enough to the point of issuing them maps and supplies to leave. These alpha worker bees were portrayed as recently as a few years ago as lazy napping Mexicans under a sombrero on the Taco Bell sign. A culture that invented the siesta is supposed to teach Americans about hard work?

  5. I’m Canadian and don’t much care about your American feud with the Mexicans so long as you don’t impede the trucks carrying Mexican produce up here in the winter.

    And my friends in Montana, Idaho and the other northern states won’t be any too damn happy either to go back to eating turnips and Sauerkraut from October to May.

    By which I mean that much as I like Trump on many topics, what he is saying on international trade has a certain amount of idiocy.

    If you yanks don’t buy our shit or the Mexicans’ shit, what will we do for greenbacks to buy your shit?

      • True, but redundancy requires inefficiency. Without trade at the levels we now have and with you guys doing it all yourselves you will indeed have more jobs but fewer consumables. At a guess you’ll pay a 5% inefficiency premium. Those American steelworkers need their $85.00 an hour in pay and benefits, or whatever they are getting, and you just volunteered to pay them. Oh wait, when they know there’s no competition they’ll be on strike for $105.00 an hour, double quick.

        The inefficiency premium will hurt everybody and some people very badly. Buying an American made washing machine for $1,050.00 when you could have had a Mexican one for $1,000.00 doesn’t bother me, I’m financially comfortable. Are you? Your kids? Last time I looked Mabe, which bought GE Appliances and a bunch of other brands, do their manufacturing in Mexico.

        And the family that just barely was able to maintain a middle class life on a combined pre-tax income of $100K, what of them? USA tax burden averaged 31% so they only had $69K to spend and they spent it all. Now their costs are up 5% so they have $69K to spend on stuff that now costs $71.5K. Taxes will be higher because government costs are up 5% too. I’m thinking my hypothetical family will have $67K to spend and they are so screwed.

        You will have a demand collapse like you wouldn’t believe with plenty of bankruptcies all over.

        We’ll have YankBacks creeping north over the 49th begging for jobs as we sell oil, coal and lumber to the Chinese.

        Jeez, that last point quite cheers me up. YankBacks, I like it.

      • Fred forgets that the US subsidizes Mexico and China.

        Without that subsidy, you will find that America will compete exceedingly well. America got to the moon. Where has Mexico got to? Answer: America.

        China was given American factories and know-how. They got a huge helping hand. It’s time now. Enough’s enough. China has to leave the nest. If they can’t make it, well that just proves that America is better.

        Also, you underestimate how many Americans are working in China and Mexico setting their shit up for them.

    • Yes because God knows we don’t grow any produce in California, Arizona, Florida, Texas… We’ll all die of rickets, like we did 25 years ago before NAFTA..

      • You’re not capable of minding your own shit.

        Parts of the USA are already substantially dependent on Canadian oil and gas. Mostly the north west and much of California. Sure you could break the contracts and build pipelines from other pats of the US. How much would that cost and how long would it take? The American ownership of the existing pipelines, contracts and Canadian oil patch would be real pleased with your brilliant ideas too.

        Parts of the USA are largely dependent on exports to Canada. In 2015 your exports to us were $337.3 billion; your imports from us were $325.4 billion. The U.S. goods and services trade surplus with Canada was $11.9 billion. You treat us like Mexico treats you, but we don’t cry like babies and threaten to take our lollipops home.

        I repeat my question and let’s get a straight answer from you foreigner haters: If you won’t buy from us what will we use for money to buy from you? How many jobs will you lose when the producers of $337.3 billion worth of shit stop production? What will you do, sell to the Europeans? Nope, they don’t need you, they’ll buy from the Germans.

        And to be clear, I am 100% with Trump about stopping illegals, building a great big wall to do it and firing the ass of that useless former head of Border Protection.

      • Fred, I’m too much of a cynic to think that rent seeking and unintended consequences won’t spring up all over the place as we move from largely free to something more closely managed. But the government is already picking winners and losers (sugar cane/beet sugar disputes come to mind), so provided my clan is the one doing the tinkering with my clan’s general best interests in mind, I’m ok with it.
        As for your very direct question, try this on for size:
        China is sitting on about $4 Trillion (US). I’m sure that even if we decide not to buy your Canadian shit, that they’ll be pleased to pay you in $US for your filthy tar sand oil so that you can keep buying our pecans.

    • Fact remains that we depend on imports. Look at the stickers on all your fruit and count how many are from Chile, Guatemala, Mexico and South Africa versus California and Florida. Even blackberries, raspberries and blueberries have moved to Mexico. Skip Radix and read a trade journal sometime.

      Drought conditions in California aren’t a fluke and they aren’t going away, because overuse of water supplies isn’t a “leftist fabrication”, it’s a fact of having millions of greedy primates in one place using the same resource year-round, year after year.

      And here’s what happens when moderns go from a diet of abundance to one of scarcity: http://www.refinery29.com/minnesota-starvation-experiment

      “Globalized economies are fragile” is a) newspeak obfuscation and b) exactly what the OP was talking about. It’s the drop we’re going to feel.

    • $100 says none of these people – except Porter himself, perhaps – has ever gone a single Winter without a piece of fruit, or simply had to make do with less than threshold.

      For anyone who talks about this is a flabby modern obsessed with comfort, which they take for granted, you see, soaring aloft as they do in the hoary realm of the ideal beyond “crass materialism”.

      • so trigglypuffs are, like, fantasy unicorns and little pink ponies? damn. what will the zombies eat when the like wow total apocalypse comes around because like no more bananas from somewhere! sair-uh reads trade journals? who would have guessed?

      • When I was a kid we never had a lot of different fruits in the winter. We did have oranges and grapefruit from the good, old USA because that’s when they were in season. Had apples and pears, too. They were picked in the fall when they were ripe and kept in cold storage for winter consumption. You got other fruit like berries, cherries, watermelon, peaches, plums, tomatoes, etc during the spring and summer when they were in season. If you were really desperate you could buy hothouse tomatoes during the winter for salad. All grown here. Who needs crap from south of the border? I’m always a bit leery of the growing conditions in foreign countries. Too many instances of disease traced back to foreign produce. No thanks. I think I’ll pass on the Guatemalan fruit salad with a side order of Listeria and hint of e.coli………………………….

      • You do realize that before GATT there was still trade right? If I’m unable to get lechee fruit in Feb I guess we’ll suffer with tangerines or something

    • Your following point about middle class workers burdened by an increase in costs is only true in part. When the US stops importing labor and exporting jobs, salaries will go up. Furthermore, consider the burden caused by a large number of people with very small purchasing power. In health care for example, the US now has an increasing number of consumers with Medicaid resulting in more work and less pay for providers (Make it up in volume as Bill Clinton graciously declared) If Americans have abundant jobs again, a physician (for example) can see fewer patients, spend time with them once again, and make the same amount of money.
      As for the expensive fruit argument, I would gladly pay a worker a decent wage to pick fruit rather than pay a low wage but subsidize housing, policing, education, health care etc. for the whole big family through taxes.

      • “When the US stops importing labor and exporting jobs, salaries will go up.”

        And where will the employers get the money to pay them? They won’t get money from us foreigners because we got no American money because you won’t buy our shit. Will other Americans be forced to pay higher prices for the product of these workers? Yes.

    • Use your small brain and ask yourself, “how does anything foreign come into Kanada that does not come from the US?” The US taxpayer is under no obligation to subsidize your winter produce. Clue it’s usually more expensive to import items that you do produce locally, unless it’s highly subsidized by the producer nation. Stop you whining, the free ride is over.

    • You’ll buy containers full of produce from Chile and Argentina in winter, like we do, and cut out the Mexican truckdriver middlemen smuggling in a few hundred kilos of dope, or twenty of their cousins, in the back of the trucks.
      For those from Saskatchewan, containers are large metal boxes which go on ships.
      For those from Yukon, ships are large metal things with engines which sail across the sea.
      For those from Northwest Territories, the sea is what water looks like when it isn’t frozen solid, like it is where you live, eh?

      As we do more of our trade with Canada, and less with Mexico, China, Germany, Japan, South Korea, and the UK will happily pick up their slack if they take their tacos and go home. We have plenty of Mexican-Americans here, and they brought the recipes with them when they left.

      Happy to help; we have your back.
      Canada occupies a special place for the US: it gives those in the US someone to look up to, while we provide someone for Canadians to look down on.

    • Fortunately for you, California, Hawaii, and Florida produce a cornucopia of pineapples, berries, peaches, citrus, etc. all year ’round.

      As if that weren’t enough, relatively functional nations (i.e., the ones with overehelmingly white populations – but I repeat myself…) such as Chile, Australia, and Argentina are happy to export produce from the southern hemisphere, no ineducable rapists … er… strings attached.

      Do us a favour, though: keep all the damned Asians helots you are displacing yourselves with out of America (or else no Floridian oranges for you!).

  6. Apparently robot lettuce pickers have been refined to a point of perfected automation. Thanks for your service, Pablo but your replacement doesn’t dream and isn’t capable of murder and rape so best of luck in your future endeavors south of the fortified border wall. We don’t need them. They need us.

    • Robots will replace all those shitty immigrants unless they are restricted/taxed out of service.
      The US doesn’t need Mexicans.

  7. Gator: Yes, model validation is an absolutely common requirement in business. So you’d think we would seek something similar before engaging in a minor enterprise such as dispossessing our children. If the thesis is that Mexicans are better workers, let’s see the fruits of that industriousness first in Mexico.

    Learner: I’ll give any robot here 50 quarts of motor oil to pick lettuce in Yuma. You can’t do it, my metal friends.

    Roman: Thanks, glad you liked it.

  8. When I was working in California, I met a (white) guy who used to be a professional seasonal vegetable and fruit picker. He made really good money, and only worked part of the year – took the rest of the year off. He was replaced by illegal laborers. Much like construction costs were pushed down by illegal immigrant labor. Don’t know what he’s doing now.

    Now the quality of construction is lower as a result. Many other issues developed, such as sheetrock hangers filing class action lawsuits against developers because, after the Reagan amnesty, they discovered they could no longer make a living with liability, workman’s comp and licensing fees required to be a “legal” contractor. Incidentally, these same newly-minted contractors had run the legal ones out of business years ago by depressing labor costs.

    I know an architect who moved to USA legally – she claims the people sneaking over the border are the same ones you wouldn’t want in your neighborhood in Mexico.

  9. Here’s a partial list of America’s global production rank in various foodstuffs:

    Corn 1
    Wheat 3
    Lettuce 2
    Potato 5
    Spinach 2
    Soybean 1
    Carrots 3
    Tomato 3
    Pears 2
    Grapes 2
    Oranges 2
    Peaches 4
    Apples 2
    Raspberries 4
    Strawberries 1
    Blueberries 1
    Cherries 2
    Avocados 4
    Milk (cow’s) 1
    Chicken 1
    Beef 1
    Pork 2
    Turkey 1
    Almonds 1
    Eggs 2

    I think we can hold off scurvy for the next few months.

    • Excellent list.

      For each item on that list Americans either consume less than is produced, or more than is produced. Pretty unlikely that they are exactly the same.

      If you produce less than is consumed you will want to import, because, you know, people want what they want. So you’ll import some Mexican avocados. But there’s a big tariff on those avocados because those sneaky Mexicans are competing with the blessed, but inefficient, American avocado growers. This will never actually happen because supply and demand are curves and American avocado producers will long before have taken the tariff into account in setting their prices. The end result will be no imports and very high prices for avocados with lots of people saying “To hell with avocados, I will drink beer instead.” Generally a wise solution, but contra-economic.

      One of the most annoying things about my country is that the local beer producers have bribed our government into absurd and horrible rules on the import of American beers, which are among the best in the world and the Euro-weenies can shove that where the beer don’t flow. NAFTA helped that a lot and I have a two-four of genuine Colorado brewed Coors in my garage cooler, which only cost me 2 Canadian pesos each. One of the many reasons I rail and scream about protectionism is that I am a victim of it. 2 Canadian pesos is $US1.52. How many of you understand that protectionism will inevitably result in similar pricing for a can of beer?

      Where was I?

      Oh yeah, if you produce more than is consumed, where will you export it? We have no American money because you won’t buy our exports to you so we can’t buy your stuff even if we wanted to. So you’ll destroy it or let it rot. Very efficient that is, the farmers forced to plough their crops into the ground will be very happy indeed. Bound to help consumer prices in later years.

      Enough. Time for a few Coors, some American (!) nachos covered in protected but inefficiently produced and very expensive Canadian cheese and Mexican salsa, made in New York City probably, but who cares?

      • For each item on that list Americans either consume less than is produced, or more than is produced.

        You’ve migrated from sauerkraut and turnips to tautology.

        If you produce less than is consumed you will want to import, because, you know, people want what they want.

        That’s what prices are for: to signal scarcity relative to demand so that people can prioritize how badly they want what they want.

        So you’ll import some Mexican avocados. But there’s a big tariff on those avocados because those sneaky Mexicans are competing with the blessed, but inefficient, American avocado growers.

        “Sneaky” and “blessed?” Are you arguing a point or just emoting?

        More relevantly, there’s no implied correlation between demand exceeding supply and producer inefficiency. None. As an aside, demand doesn’t exceed supply statically. It exceeds supply at a given price. Just as demand exceeds supply for filet at $5 but not $50.

        This will never actually happen because supply and demand are curves and American avocado producers will long before have taken the tariff into account in setting their prices.

        Avocado producers don’t set the price of avocados. If they did, they’d set it high enough to not worry about “sneaky” Mexicans. If the market is flooded with avocados, the price drops. If weather (or absent sneaky Mexicans) limits the supply, prices rise.

        The end result will be no imports and very high prices for avocados with lots of people saying “To hell with avocados, I will drink beer instead.” Generally a wise solution, but contra-economic.

        No, it’s not contra-economic at all. It’s precisely how economics works. 10cent avocados may or may not be worth the costs of opening our market (and customarily our border) to foreigners. But simply saying “cheap avocados!” is a cheap argument.

        Though you’re also omitting the fact that growers are sentient beings capable of responding to price incentives. High domestic avocado prices will mean increased domestic avocado investment, which results in more avocados and subsequently lower prices. I’ve personally watched this cycle play out many times with producers who actually grow non-avocados for a living.

        NAFTA helped that a lot and I have a two-four of genuine Colorado brewed Coors in my garage cooler

        NAFTA also helped hollow-out the American manufacturing base.

        Canadian pesos is $US1.52. How many of you understand that protectionism will inevitably result in similar pricing for a can of beer?

        I understand it perfectly. You can sell your country out for cheap or pay a premium to keep it.

        Oh yeah, if you produce more than is consumed, where will you export it?

        To whomever has gold, oil, bananas, or something else we want. Or in an exigent scenario we may sell it domestically at a lower price. This is what happens with bumper crops.

        So you’ll destroy it or let it rot. Very efficient that is, the farmers forced to plough their crops into the ground will be very happy indeed. Bound to help consumer prices in later years.

        This is the goofiest thing you’ve said on this site. And Coors is not a premium beer.

        One other related note: as the world’s number one exporter of food (by far) the American agriculture industry is one of the biggest free-market advocacy groups around. Mexican avocados are the least of their concerns. They want access to foreign markets, not reciprocal tariffs.

  10. Pingback: Never Look a Gay Mexican In The Mouth | Western Rifle Shooters Association

  11. Reblogged this on The way I see things … and commented:
    HA HA I do like this writing style!
    ————————
    I don’t actually know if Mexican economy minister Ildefonso Guajardo is gay. But I do know he negotiates like a drunk in someone else’s box. Discussing the looming NAFTA renegotiations, a perturbed Guajardo asserted that if Trump was going to talk about his siphon-hose of a country like that, then the Mexicans will just pack up their free-trade agreement and leave.

    “If we’re going for something that is less than what we have now, it doesn’t make sense to stay in,” Guajardo said.

    Beating numberless competition, I present the world’s dumbest Mexican.

  12. @Fred Z,

    Trump approved KeystoneXL, which is yuuge for Alberta and Canada. On a list of the administration’s top infrastructure programs are building the Gordie Howe Bridge in Detroit, and upgrading both the Peace Bridge in Buffalo and the Soo Locks.

    So in Trump’s first week, while Mexico learned it really will have to fork over $10 billion to pay for the US border wall, Canada got a major pipeline, two bridges, and a lock system worth countless billions in commerce in the long run.

    Rep. Chris Collins, a close confidante of Trump, basically said that Mexico would be booted out of NAFTA, and it would revert to being an exclusively Canadian-American deal.

    With these actions and intentions, it could be argued that Trump is already the most pro-Canadian US president ever. All Prime Minister Dreamboat has to do is not open his phaggot mouth and needlessly antagonize the God Emperor, and Canadians will be swimming in single malt and supermodels, comparatively speaking.

    As for the price of avocados in the winter, they will likely become slightly more expensive once Mexico is expelled from NAFTA. There was an open borders avocado-advocate who ran for president on this very issue, can’t remember his name, Guac Bowle or something. He lost.

  13. Pingback: This Week in Reaction (2017/01/29) - Social Matter

  14. Pingback: Lightning Round – 2017/02/21 | Free Northerner

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