Walking into a Bar Mitzvah is Horrifying, Menacing, and Very Very Loud

I imagine this piece from the Daily News will compete for one of the most widely mocked articles of the year–though certainly the cuck constellation will field many deserving entries.

The piece is pre-packaged histrionics about the horrors of discharging far-right a-salt rifles. And since every long-gun is an “AR-15” to the left’s caterwauling harpy coven, the author chose that model specifically to describe. So he put polished fingernails to keyboard and produced a tale of terror and tribulation. Then he went to shoot it. And the resulting account from his fertile imagination has given the people of Orlando the respite of levity in these dark days of Donald Trump.

Firing an AR-15 is horrifying, menacing and very very loud

It felt to me like a bazooka — and sounded like a cannon.

I laughed right out of the turnstile. Like him, I’ve never fired a bazooka. Though I like to imagine it offers more masculine recoil than a 5.56 AR, which could be easily wielded by the children of the author’s wife.

One day after 49 people were killed in the Orlando shooting, I traveled to Philadelphia to better understand the firepower of military-style weapons and, hopefully, explain their appeal to gun lovers.

But mostly, I was just terrified.

It’s not unmanly to concede one’s trepidation toward these malign metal migrants. Let enough of them into your country, and soon enough they establish an electoral majority.

Frank Stelmach of Double Tap Shooting Range and Gun Shop invited me…to come down.

Stelmach, who opened his shop six years ago after a career in law enforcement in Europe, also said he never sells a gun to someone who “looks a little bit funny,” and he claimed he had prevented many guns from getting into the wrong hands because the would-be purchaser “asked stupid questions” like, “What happens to me if the gun is stolen?”

I’d be cautious with that approach, Frank. I rather doubt Vanita Gupta at the Justice Department’s (sic) Civil Rights Division is going to lend much of a hearing to your Islamaphobic bigotry. In fact, it’s likely this statement will be admissible in future legal proceedings pursued by other vulnerable minority members whose civil rights were violated by Mr. Stelmach’s so-called “funny-looking” purchase prohibition. This being little more than a thin veil over de facto racial/religious discrimination.

Selling weapons to a scowling Afghani only harmed 50 gay immigrants. But denying his civil rights would harm us all.

He (Stelmach) loves the AR-15 for cops, soldiers, hunters and target shooters. “It’s fun to shoot something like that,” he said.

Not in my hands. I’ve shot pistols before, but never something like an AR-15. Squeeze lightly on the trigger and the resulting explosion of firepower is humbling and deafening (even with ear protection).

Why would it be humbling? Did he enter this fairy-tale with the suspicion of being able to expel a round with more force from his anus, and was humbled by the realization he could not?

The recoil bruised my shoulder.

Actually just discolorations from Kaposi’s Sarcoma.

The brass shell casings disoriented me as they flew past my face.

Call of Duty: Black Ops

The smell of sulfur and destruction made me sick. The explosions — loud like a bomb — gave me a temporary form of PTSD.


Even in semi-automatic mode, it is very simple to squeeze off two dozen rounds before you even know what has happened.

Actually it’s not if one can avoid entering a fugue state on the range. One trigger pull, one discharge. If closely observant you can even predict when these will occur.

Forty nine people can be gone in 60 seconds.

Or three hours.

Though there are two obvious points of all this pant pooping. First, liberals desperately wish to mitigate the collateral damage from their dogma. People of Color and Modest Mental Endowment are suboptimal candidates for responsible firearm ownership, particularly when adhering to aggressive creeds. Though since these same people are necessary to generate electoral victories and virtue frisson, we are obliged to shriek at the whites who cling to this problematic accomodation. That is to say, we want to swamp your votes and achieve vaginal lubrication at the righteousness of doing so–yet we don’t really want to be perforated ourselves. So the guns got to go.

Second, the author’s objective was not to actually describe the (quite mild) experience of firing an AR, but to always advance the agenda. And here I must concede to being impressed with overall liberal messaging in the wake of Orlando. I have detected little cognitive dissonance or rank breaking among their disparate infantry formations. A gay muslim hoses down his political flank and blame falls with precision on guns, Christian Conservatives, and Donald Trump.

That’s discipline. Just don’t try to maintain it with a disorienting Hate Weapon.


20 thoughts on “Walking into a Bar Mitzvah is Horrifying, Menacing, and Very Very Loud

    • Yep, I shot one in basic training. it was really surprising how little recoil it had. A good old 30.06 has way more.

      Man, what a bedwetter.

    • A bazooka is a rocket in a guide tube. In principle, the rocket exhaust goes straight out the back. There is no captive gas in the barrel and hence no recoil.
      There may be a muffler for safety or other reasons that might capture some of the gas and cause some recoil, but basically they would work with an empty tube. They fire solid fuel rockets, not bullets.

  1. Pingback: Walking into a Bar Mitzvah is Horrifying, Menacing, and Very Very Loud | Reaction Times

  2. An AR-15 fires a 5.56 or .223 round. a .223 round is literally a .22 caliber round, the smallest bullet there is. Most .22 rifles are called ‘varmint rifles,’ because that’s what they’re used for, squirrels and bunnies and stuff. Not that they can’t kill larger things, but not reliably. Granted, an AR-15 fires them a LOT faster than a .22 Long Rifle, but the principle is the same. It’s a very tiny bullet that’s designed to wound enemies, not kill them. The only thing that makes the military models so effective is the ‘tumble’ effect of the round. When it hits an object (person), it tumbles in unexpected ways, making larger wound channels. It’s STILL A TINY ASS BULLET. 8-year-olds can handle the recoil on an AR-15, and pretty much anyone I’ve ever seen fire one walks away super thrilled at the experience.

    What. A. Pansy. He should be ashamed of himself.

  3. When I say the sole function of the media is to advance an agenda, it’s an indictment that’s neither hyperbolic nor particularly novel. Now we learn that the gun shop owner in this very piece had his remarks wildly manipulated–and by a Gersh Kuntzman, no less.

    The owner’s response to this entirely routine media fabrication was posted on Facebook as follows:

    Yesterday the man in this video from the NY Daily News called and asked if he could come and interview us about the basic principles of how an AR-15 works. We acknowledged his offer so that we could prove that an AR-15 is indeed a great and safe weapon as stated in the video. After the video was filmed there was another Q&A type conversation on how things work in other countries, what are some of the things others believe would be a step into the right direction of gun control. To our knowledge we did not know that Mr. Kuntzman would completely turn things around and make our establishment look like one of anti-gun advocates.

    We have received dozens of phone from all over the country in regards to the article. Many of these callers expressed disgust with the article and told us to stay away from the media. I can assure everyone that we do not support mental health screenings like they do in Europe and we don’t think that government officials should take away guns from people as it was portrayed in the article. Currently we are doing everything we can to take this article down because after reading it we are just as disgusted about it as all of you are. Our team here at Double Tap would like to sincerely apologize for the misunderstanding and report that we are doing everything in our power to get this article removed.

    I implore all of our supporters to share our apology with everyone in order to help defend ourselves from the media who is doing anything in their power to blemish the face of all gun owners and attempting to add more rule to the fire of the attempt of the liberal gun-grabbing agenda.To those that are writing negative reviews about us, please understand we had no intentions of having this article cause such an issue, nor intentions of us looking like anti gun advocates but, to educate which in turn did the complete opposite due to Mr. Kuntzman. If anyone has anymore questions or concerns please feel free to come in or call us we will gladly discuss this issue with you.

    And for the record, if you get a bruised shoulder or PTSD from shooting an AR-15 you may be a Katie Couric, liberal with ought testicular fortitude.

  4. A gay muslim hoses down his political flank and blame falls with precision on guns, Christian Conservatives, and Donald Trump.

    That’s discipline.

    Was it effective? I ask that in all seriousness. I really have no idea how to gauge the response of my fellow…inhabitants.

    • Probably not. Your fellow inhabitants’ response to an alleged massacre of two dozen alleged 6-year olds in school, was to buy every gun and bullet they could find. Four dozen poofters dying, before AIDS could kill them, will not convince anyone to disarm. If anything, more poofters will be getting armed, instead of just fisted.

  5. Pay no attention to Kuntz Gershmann, ladies and lady-boy’s. I remember thinking whilst marching to the range all those years ago, “I’ll bet that thing kicks like my girlfriend’s SOB Appaloosa” Nothing to it, at all. The thing that was kept behind the kitchen door back home, was far more injurious to the clavicle.

  6. “And here I must concede to being impressed with overall liberal messaging in the wake of Orlando. I have detected little cognitive dissonance or rank breaking among their disparate infantry formations. A gay muslim hoses down his political flank and blame falls with precision on guns, Christian Conservatives, and Donald Trump.”

    No kidding. The narrative is so strong, and so many people really seem to believe it.

  7. While it’s possible this person is serious about their reactions, I think this is mainly a propaganda piece intended to indicate what horrifying people gun owners are. The bazooka comment is meant to associate AR-15s with extremely powerful, destructive weapons. The rest of the thing — terrifying, smell of destruction, causes PTSD, makes the shooter anxious and irritable for an hour afterwards, easy to imagine dozens of people being mown down, disorienting brass, etc. — is intended to give the impression that anyone who owns a gun and enjoys shooting it at the range, hunting, plinking at targets in the country, etc., is an evil, crazy, nasty person who thrives on destruction.

    IMO, it’s not an honest portrayal of any reaction by this Kuntzman fellow. It’s a loathsome hatchet job on tens of millions of decent Americans, portraying them as sick, drooling, maniacal basket-cases who could enjoy something this “horrifying.” All it is, is an attempt to associate guns, gun ownership, and gun advocacy with concepts of horror, terror, disorientation, PTSD, stink, destruction, and so on.

    Which is utterly disgusting also. Every gun owner I’ve ever met has been a law-abiding, sane person, friendly and polite. The atmosphere of hunting, ranges, etc., as we lawful gun owners know, is a civilized and positive one. But Kuntzman is trying to change that in the minds of his readers. Kuntzman’s yowling, I think, is not so much a description of anything that actually happened as a straight-up smear of tens of millions of upright, honest Americans. Ugh.

    • Yeah, “the smell”… modern smokeless powder contains no sulfur, yet somehow the author’s Nose detected it, and reminded him of a 1940s propane-fired oven.

  8. Don’t worry our POTUS is an expert on guns. He doesn’t need to know how guns work just how they must be banned; ahhh well ahhh the glock had a lot of clips.

    BTW – AR-15 doesn’t doesn’t mean assault rifle 15. AR stands for ArmaLite the company that invented the weapon many years ago. The assault part only come to pass by the person holding it just like a knitting needle or an ax. #shootback #johnnytremain

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