Slipping the Surly Bonds

There must be something in the water at Elmont Memorial High School.

A rockfish I’m going to wager. Here’s the headline:

Teen gets accepted by all eight Ivy League schools

Teen. So they brought race into it right off the bat. That’s not very respectful.

For the second year in a row, an Elmont Memorial High School student has been accepted to all eight Ivy League schools. Last year, the Long Island high school’s salutatorian Harold Ekeh chose to attend Yale University after having his pick of all eight Ivy League schools. This year, Augusta Uwamanzu-Nna, Elmont’s valedictorian, will face the same decision.

That’s gratifying. America’s top universities lavishing acceptances on America’s top young minds. Obviously these domestic institutions weren’t created for the benefit of foreigners.

Ekeh and Uwamanzu-Nna are both Nigerian. Ekeh was born in Nigeria and came to the United States when he was 8. Uwamanzu-Nna is the daughter of Nigerian immigrants.

As I was saying, America’s top institutions are here to educate Nigeria’s best and brightest. Though we should forgive the typo in quoted text above. Miss Uwamanzu-Nna isn’t Nigerian at all. Because court interpretations of a vaguely worded postbellum constitutional amendment supersede all organic bonds of blood or kinship, we know that she is instead 100% USA. Exiting her mother’s birth canal into American airspace made it so–the 14th Amendment is quite suggestive about that. At any rate, she is as much an American as any patrician Gladstones who might have been loitering around New Amsterdam since the Castello Plan. And if you don’t believe me, just ask our little Virginia Dare herself.

“Though I was born here in America, I visited Nigeria many times…So definitely, whatever I do, I want to make sure that it has an impact on Nigeria.”

Well I’ve been to the Yucatan, though haven’t subsequently devoted my life’s output to its nurturing, so am a bit at a loss as to what she’s talking about here. Perhaps the Nigerian Economy? Anyway, I’m sure she would be aghast at any association with some blood and soil African Hitlerism. America is a nation of civic propositions. And whether or not a person embraces any of them, they are an American. So let’s just proceed to celebrate the fact that the posterity of Ivy League founders typically can’t pry open their doors with a crowbar.

So how did a regular All-American girl impress so many admissions panels? Was it Elmont Memorial’s rigorous Hip-Hop around the world program? Not entirely.

There are no secrets to academic success, she said. Her 101.64 weighted GPA was earned through hard work.

A 101.64 GPA! I can recall in my high school days when whites would struggle to even earn a 4.0. That’s not even a double digit GPA. No wonder such dullards are displaced in droves. Mankind will soon be bathing under the 12 moons of Ixtat with this prodigious intellect brought to bear.

So aside from earning 25 As in every class, are there any other secrets she can share? Well, that teen thing doesn’t hurt either.

Princeton researchers Thomas J. Espenshade and Chang Y. Chung (assisted by Sum Ting Wong) found that elite universities give extra weight in admissions to candidates whose SAT scores are above 1500, who are African American, and who are student athletes. A smaller, but nevertheless important, preference is extended to Hispanic and legacy applicants. African-American applicants receive the equivalent of 230 extra SAT points (on a 1600-point scale), and being Hispanic is worth an additional 185 SAT points. Other things equal, recruited athletes gain an admission bonus worth 200 points, while the preference for legacy candidates is worth 160 points. Asian-American applicants face a loss equivalent to 50 SAT points. The underrepresented minority advantage is greatest for African-American and Hispanic applicants whose SAT scores are in the 1200–1300 range, and not for applicants near the lower end of the SAT distribution as some have suggested.

That’s quite a black privilege. And one that canny reporters know well to never consider as they cast about for tap-water explanations. Though the toil of diversity is never done. And if man is to leave time and space with no other contribution, let it be a 419 scam across the cosmos.

That’s why Miss Uwamanzu and the Nigerian Space Program are so critical. This country has lofty ambitions for bilking Andromeda’s notoriously credulous xenomorphs with offers of riches from reputable sources within the finance ministry. To that end, it plans to euthanize dozens of ******* by firing them into orbit inside rockets manufactured in Nigeria. I think it will take a very bright Ivy-League educated American girl to suggest galactic Email spamming will be more humane.


21 thoughts on “Slipping the Surly Bonds

  1. It turns out that there’s a Nigerian tribe called the Ibo — for the love of God, I am not pulling your leg! — who are a lot brighter than the sub-Saharan average. A LOT brighter. No, really. Some of them are literally above average.

    It’s possible that Ms. Boho-Bogo-Nigo-Whateverthefuck is one of them. The Ibo tend to get the hell out of Nigeria whenever they can, what with their neighbors killing and eating them when they get the chance, as often happens to anybody in Africa who’s unfairly less retarded than his neighbors.

    Which, to be fair, is probably just what Newfoundlanders would do to Nova Scotians if they had the chance. Except for the killing part and the eating part. But whatever, I mean, you know what I mean. I heard a Newfie got in a fight once. So, you know, pretty much cannibalism right there.

      • If by “solid data” you mean “statistics”, then no, I don’t have any, but m y personal experience, and that of a lot of other people, bears this out. Maybe I only met the smart ones, but it certainly would have been interesting to have seen what Biafra might have done as an independent country, had not the Yoruba, the Commies, and the “International Community” snuffed it out. It probably wouldn’t have been Switzerland or anything, but I would be willing to bet that it would have been a Hell of a lot better than most places in Africa. Low bar and all, I know, but still…

      • If Biafra had been an independent country, I reckon it would have been a relatively successful country, though there would have been tensions with the minorities within that country. However, it’s not clear to me that the Igbo are much more intelligent than, say, the Yoruba. Northern tribes on the other hand — well, there’s an affirmative action policy relating to northerners (who notoriously have an aversion to Western education — hence Boko Haram, which, so far, is not working out well).

      • Noted twit Razib Khan over at (big) says otherwise. It seems that they are generally less moronic than their countrymen, at least the I(g)bo that make it out of the country, but exactly how smart they are in general is unclear.

      • They look pretty dark to me. It used to be, only the best and brightest could achieve African Escape Velocity and end up in a deeeluxe apartment in the skyhigheye. That’s how people come to believe the Ikago Igbos are something special. Otherwise-intelligent IT guys had similar impressions of .Indians as “really smart”, because ten of a billion were capable of programming in SQL. Perhaps they need a stent for their brain drain.

      • Here’s an example of how we landed 10 (TEN!) more of Subsahara’s best and brightest. The story, printed on a take-out bag, is also probably the real reason Chipotle customers have been vomiting diarrhea in recent history. The writer’s name is “Fue” No idea what the ‘e’ represents, but I got the “F.u.” loud and clear.

  2. ‘”The space program is very important,” said Dr. Ogbonnaya Onu, Minister of Science and Technology, during a speech in the capital city Abuja. “Space is a major asset that Nigeria must be involved in for the purpose of protecting national interests.”‘

    “Dr. Ogbonnaya Onu, Minister of Science and Technology.”

    My sides. They are in orbit. This shit is so funny it’s not even funny.

    Very important indeed. Gib me dat vacuum. It very important. What out dere? Dat space out dere.

  3. No discussion of African space initiatives can even begin without this quote from the great (for other reasons) President Museveni.

    Africans must travel to the moon to investigate what developed nations have been doing in outer space, Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni said Saturday.

    “The Americans have gone to the moon. And the Russians. The Chinese and Indians will go there soon. Africans are the only ones who are stuck here,” Museveni said, addressing a meeting of the Uganda Law Society in Entebbe.

    “We must also go there and say: ‘What are you people doing up here?’”

      • Yet another African is pioneering the privatization of space travel.

        Africans: is there anything they can’t do?

    • Just wait until Tan-Nehi Scroats realizes that:
      “*Space be BLACK*. But all de monney goin to lookin at de WHITE stars! An dey aints eben really be white! Deys be culla!”

      And if we slip him some Egyptian mythology at just the right time, we can get him going off (and on and on) about how space is the “black body of Nut” and the astronomical peeping Toms . (Peeping Uncle Tom in the case of N.d.G. Tyson, I suppose.)

    • `What are you people doing up here?’
      What do you mean, you people??? And what do you mean, “up here”? Shirley you meant to say “uppin here”.

  4. I recall seeing a funny image that needs to be dug up for Porter’s rotation. It juxtaposed a NASA photo of Neil Armstrong in his astronaut suit holding his space helmet and gazing off into the starry heavens with a sub-saharan lifting his cow’s tail to drink hot urine straight from the source!

  5. Pingback: Slipping the Surly Bonds | Reaction Times

  6. For slavers headed to Brazilian, Nigerians were the negro most in demand. They are clearly an exceptional ethnicity to some degree, the Bantu on the other hand, which have come to largely the continent, are notoriously matriarchal and violent, being some of the least desirable.

  7. There needs to be movement, space equality. “Black Astro-explorers Matter”
    No astro-naughts, No peace. Al Sharpton “The privileged white man has turned the Space Race into the Space Racism”

  8. I have been reeding Fred Read for decades now. My personal contact with the man has been limited due to eye sight and age [same as mine]. I am unaware of his having any progeny who stumbled about with ink on their fingers. [What do you mean I got that reversed again ??]
    But after reading Fred’s latest on the evolution of refrigerators, and then Porter’s whipsaw: “you think it is this, maybe it is that,” I believe that a reaching out through the net, a shaking of hands, a passing of the gauntlet moment has arrived.

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