This is a Big Deal

There are times when one must turn away from pleasant diversions and focus on more pressing adult priorities. Like which discarded electronic device will one day be placed atop the others in the back of my cabinet. It’s no trivial matter. That’s why I dropped my pick at the sugar mine today and proceeded through increasing palpitations to follow Apple’s unveiling of the eighth consecutive best iPhone ever. How do they manage to continue the streak?

Apple Inc.’s hotly-anticipated annual hardware event kicked off at 1 p.m. ET in San Francisco’s Bill Graham Civic Auditorium. The event, led by Chief Homosexual Tim Cook, showcased a pair of new iPhones, an upgraded Apple TV with Siri capabilities, and a larger, professional-grade iPad.

That’s pretty impressive. A 253rd iteration of the telephone, a better whatever an Apple TV is, and a larger iPad. Hey, I’m writing this on an iPad. How the hell did they ever figure out how to make one larger? Regardless, it’s a big deal. The article is explicit.

It’s almost as if Nathan Olivarez-Giles and I are of one mind across the board. Why buy a phone when Apple lets us pay only $32-$45 a month to lease? Hey what’s 40 times 12 times infinity? Who cares, it’s not important. The point I’m trying to make is that I’d be getting “force touch” with an A9 processor.

Best iPhone yet circa 1977

Best iPhone ever circa 1977

What’s so interesting about Apple is that in relation to total revenues and profits it is essentially a telephone manufacturer. And such contrivances are commoditized very quickly. But Apple is not remotely priced as a commodity concern (which, in fairness, it isn’t entirely). Though to retain its elevated market multiple, Apple executives are obliged to manufacture something far more valuable than mere circuit boards: lust.

If the reliably exhorted herd of consumers came to realize that marginally wider lens apertures and an extra app button on the homescreen weren’t particularly useful for the price, they might not be inclined to buy a new phone every year any more than they are a new cuisinart. Though unfortunately no kitchen appliance maker has had the inspiration to annually announce The Best Food Processor Ever: Just look at that tomato!

However lengthy the romance, the cachet of an Apple cell-phone will recede just as with computer makers like Dell, who could no longer command premiums in the market even with glued on plastic alien heads. I guess Michael never considered a rose gold extraterrestrial.

In the meantime, I’ll probably buy whatever doo-dad attracts my interest when its predecessor finally joins the back-of-the-cabinet accumulation. Listen bigot, it’s a big deal.


12 thoughts on “This is a Big Deal

  1. I’m glad a new iPhone has come out. The poor refugees coming into Europe seem to only have the iPhone 5s in the photos I’ve seen. It will be good to know that Germany and Sweden can soon get them this new upgrade as part of their welcome package.

    • I assume Ms Merkel will include a few Lifeproof cases in the gift bag to be sent back for the next wave. It’s a rough voyage after all. Anything less would be racist.

  2. Though I got off the Apple crack years ago, drunk coeds, refugees, stupid celebrities, and all my asian friends need the new camera for selfies, nude shots and food pics for Instagram because the iPhone they have is so last year.

  3. Fortunately, fad gimmicks will only deplete your wallet, accumulate dust in drawers or cabinets, or pile up in landfills. Fad anti-racist ideologies, on the other hand, will pollute your fatherland until it’s uninhabitable.

  4. The problem with this tech is that even if you’re not impressed by the new stuff–and I’m not–the old stuff quits working. I had an iphone 4 until last month. It worked fine for a while, but the app and system updates rendered it eventually inoperable. I went with the 6 mostly to prolong the situation until when I have to get a new one. Nice thing was my old plan was such a piece of crap, I actually pay less per month now with the lease fee.

    Anyway, the best tech works for all time, whether it’s an 1873 Winchester, a hammer, an AK-47, or a decent pair of boots.

  5. Re: Larger I-pads. I don’t think this is canonical Agatha Christie, but in the BBC version of Poirot, he somewhere asserts that Belgian Miniatures are the greatest in the world. Hastings asks “Why?” Flummoxed, Poirot responds “Because… they are the largest.”

  6. Apple is by far the largest company in America by market capitalization. Its valuation is premised on the ability to cultivate sales independent of need. In this sense, it is as much an entertainment conglomerate as device manufacturer. Though over time desire and utility will trend back into alignment. Which is why I don’t buy a new yard rake every year–even when offered in rose gold with brushed aluminum tongs.

    Shiv: It’s excruciating to see our tired huddled masses relegated to phones now two cycles old.

    Roman: Engineered obsolescence used to be the complaint against American auto companies. Until Japan started making cars that would run past the installment plan.

    Nick, that was good.

  7. It’s very true Porter, when companies spend so much money hypeing the rollout of relatively unchanged products, it’s a sure sign they’ve run out of ideas. The way the masses get so bent out of shape these days
    about these products makes the fads of the 50’s seem downright Spartan.

  8. Pingback: This Week in Reaction (2015/09/13) | The Reactivity Place

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