One endeavor Americans have been advised that is quite beyond our civilizational capability is the forced removal of foreign squatters. Having only aircraft carriers, laser canons, railguns, drones, and stealth destroyers within our quiver leaves little to dissuade unwanted territorial encroachment. And once aliens have alighted on our soil, well, there’s simply no known technology that can uproot them. Until now apparently.
The New York Times produced a piece that suggests Venezualan scientists have made several astonishing breakthroughs, possibly with the aid of extra-terrestrial confederates.
Colombians Flee Venezuela’s Crackdown on Immigrants
SAN ANTONIO DEL TÁCHIRA, Venezuela — At night and in the early morning, they wade across the thigh-deep river in Colombia, with televisions, refrigerators and other household possessions on their backs. By day, watched by gun-toting soldiers, they line up to cross what was once a busy international bridge now under military lockdown, dragging roller suitcases while their children shoulder school backpacks.
Hundreds of Colombians are fleeing across the border, running from a crackdown on immigrants initiated by Venezuela’s president, Nicolás Maduro.
As we know, every radical new technology is indistinguishable from magic. So I am eager to learn what sorcery this Maduro has conjured to send Colombians scurrying. Whatever, it’s heartwarming.
“It’s heartbreaking,” said Handerles Suárez, 25, a construction worker, as he waited with his wife and baby daughter at dusk to cross the Simón Bólivar Bridge to his native Colombia. He said he had lived in Venezuela for 10 years, but now, seeing his countrymen rounded up and deported, their houses marked for demolition by the government, he decided to leave voluntarily rather than risk the uncertainty of a forced departure.
“Venezuela has given us everything,” he said, tears in his eyes. “It’s been like a second mother to us.”
Venezuela has given us everything. That’s called a gaffe: more honesty than intended. Though the relevant question that likely never clouded the conscience of Mr. Suarez is this: what did Venezuelans get out of the deal?
And as he contemplates that while walking let’s assuage his chagrin with assurances that rounding up and deporting illegals is a nutjob, teabagger, circustrump fantasy. It can’t be done.
Last Friday, Mr. Maduro ordered troops to close the border here, shutting bridges to almost all traffic and commerce with Colombia. And he declared a state of emergency in a stretch of territory along the border, allowing warrantless searches and placing restrictions on public gatherings or protests.
At the same time, soldiers in this Venezuelan border town began house-to-house searches in a sprawling slum, checking identity papers and rounding up hundreds of Colombian citizens, many of whom had lived in Venezuela for years. They were made to sit in a dusty soccer field under the baking sun for hours before being sent to the bridge and kicked out of the country.
As I was saying, it’s anti-possible. What are you going to do, GO HOUSE TO HOUSE? Have you even considered how many public soccer fields would have to be built? Some “small government” conservative you are.
For now, the focus of Mr. Maduro and the hundreds of soldiers he dispatched has been on a large slum that hugs the Táchira River separating the two countries, an area he says is a nest of paramilitary groups, brothels, criminals and smugglers. During a televised news conference this week, he vowed to raze the slum.
“We’re going to knock down all the houses there, just so you know,” Mr. Maduro said. “Not a single house will remain.”
The warnings set off despair and anger here in the neighborhood, where a backhoe has already started knocking down houses. Many people said they were hard-working…
Wait, he’s even going to raze the shanties of people who say they are hard-working? I’m probably too charitable, though still its only reasonable to start with the foreign nationals who admit they are indolent, obtuse, and entitled. Just as we shouldn’t arrest black teens whose mothers can vouch for their Good Boyitude. We’ve got to cultivate better cultural triage if nothing else.
But setting that aside, did you notice an unusual term above? Backhoe? What is this? I was hoping to find some mention in pages of the First Infantry Division. Though it’s likely still undergoing domestic development in laboratories beneath Area 51. Nevertheless some images have escaped.
Christ almighty. WTF is that thing? If the Venezuelans are actually this technologically advanced, they’ll be extracting their own lettuce within another decade. I don’t know if I even want to be around to see it.