A System has Failed, but Which?

One of the more prominent cultural landmarks of early 21st century Western civilization is the yielding of Occam’s Razor to the SPLC’s tampon. It is not the simplest answer that is correct, but the least racist one. What results is a perennially profligate expenditure of resources and intellects to mine pieties rather than reality in pursuit of solutions. If hamburgers were Hate they wouldn’t be an answer to hunger. Inculcating this state of mind is one of our educational system’s crowning achievements. This was apparent in reading of a recent Chicago press conference.

We need to repair a broken system.

That was the peremptory conclusion offered by Police Department Superintendent Garry McCarthy following another of his city’s typically exuberant 4th of July weekends. Southside revelers were in fact so rhapsodic in recalling the independence of 18th century European colonists from England that celebratory gunfire pealed across the ghettarios. Unfortunately aim was not always true and resulted in seven dead and forty still undead. Plainly the system is broken.

But what specific aspects of the Chicago system are inoperative? It’s a question about which contemplative men have been furrowing brows for years. One unorthodox solution might be to import a proven successful system from another municipality. It must surely seem counterintuitive to a Chicago paddy, though if they would but lend me an ear I have a suggestion. Consider using the Irvine, California system as a starting template. According to one website, this is the safest mid-sized and up city in America, and these are its active elements.

Irvine is rated number one on our top ten safest cities list because it has the lowest amount of violent crime by population. What is the secret of its security and prosperity? Irvine is a planned city that was developed by the Irvine Company in the 1960s. The overall design incorporates ample common spaces, townships with commercial centers, schools and churches. Although Irvine has more than 200,000 residents, it had only 110 reported instances of violent crime in 2012. Its police officer to population ratio and low murder rate further indicate how safe Irvine is. Demographic and economic factors provide a picture of a prosperous upper-middle class city. The population of the city is predominantly white (50.48 percent) and Asian (39.16 percent) with a small proportion of Hispanics and blacks. University of California Irvine is the top employer, providing more than 14,000 jobs for its residents. Two important factors influence Irvine’s low danger rating: the overall economic prosperity and relative homogeneity of its residents; and city’s unique design that further reinforces community development and integration.

I’m still uncertain as to the precise alchemy at work here. Let’s itemize.

* Common spaces, commercial centers, schools, and churches. I think Chicago has all of those already.

* A university to provide employment and prosperity. Check for Chicago.

* A unique design that reinforces community development and integration. Ahh, that must be it. Chicago’s design isn’t sufficiently unique. Perhaps if the John Hancock tower were horizontally perched across the summits of Willis and Aon, the city wouldn’t suffer such grisly scenes. Though before we call in the moving cranes, was there anything else about Irvine to investigate?

* The population of the city is relatively homogenous and 90% white and asian with a small proportion of hispanics and blacks. I see. After dispensing with some points of obligatory politesse, I think we may have awkwardly alighted on the key to Irvine’s famed law enforcement system: have a city of whites and asians, not blacks and hispanics.

And while we will be certain to speak of this revelation only sotto voce, what might you imagine Chicago politicians will say once armed with this impermissible enlightenment?

Bring in the cranes boys!


9 thoughts on “A System has Failed, but Which?

    • It is Porter’s commitment to straightforward, unironic delivery that keeps his fans coming back post after post.

  1. Arrows of causation can go wonky when razors are substituted for tampons, as the NYT is wont to do, with jewels such as, “Prison Population Growing Although Crime Rate Drops.” Policy prescriptions are built on assumptions that can be fairly accepted to be knowingly false by their proponents, whether for crime, education, rising inequality, or any other real or perceived social malady. But for the enlightened, it is better to fail and have meant well, than to succeed and have been unkind.

  2. Pingback: This Week in Reaction (2015/07/12) | The Reactivity Place

  3. I had to laugh at “homogeneous”. A city that is 5 of one race and 4 of a completely different race, from the other side of a supercontinent, then it is not homogeneous. Try again, boys.

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