I’m a Candidate for President of the United States of America

I just read that John Ellis Bush was so fearful the nation might recuperate from his forebears, that he has announced his candidacy to perpetuate the misery.

Arguing that the country is on “a very bad course,” Bush told supporters in Miami that the nation had a decision to make.

“The question for me is what am I going to do about it,” he said Monday afternoon. “And I’ve decided: I’m a candidate for president of the United States of America.”

Yes well, I agree the nation is on a very bad course. The Disney animatronic politician and I only differ on how many imported Hondurans are the solution.

Though in a nod to the legitimate democratic process, we are holding the Kakistocracy caucuses. You’ll find below a roster of the potential republican field. Please select the candidate you feel would be the most absolutely abominable from this august field of malign worthies. Expand in the comments if a case needs to be made. The worst/winner will receive the blog’s endorsement. This to be promptly communicated to campaign management and the national press corps.

Your vote matters.


33 thoughts on “I’m a Candidate for President of the United States of America

  1. Proud to say I know little or nothing about any of these candidates
    So little in fact, I cannot even vote in this poll.

    • My new modus operandi is to just vote for who will cause the most liberal butt-hurt. I think that’s scott walker.

  2. Gotta be Graham. A warmongering, Israel-bootlicker par excellence, who makes it even worse by playing up his “credential” of being a reservist. Also fancies himself a visionary for constantly telling white people that we desperately need more immigration so that the GOP can be competitive in light of unfavorable demographics, which were caused by…immigration. He is a pupil of John McCain, which is on par with being a child molester. Also a Chamber of Commerce lackey, like most Repub politicians. Oh, and he’s a poofter.

    • But he’s a good brother, uncle, and friend.

      That was one of only two responses I got from 100+ South Carolinians the last time I made an anti-Graham comment on Facebook.

  3. I always assumed Jeb! was short for Jebediah. I’m disappointed that I didn’t know it was really his initials (should be all caps), but proud that I never gave enough of a shit to google it. And that disappointment could have easily turned me suicidal, if it made me lose the $32,000 question on Who Wants To Be A Millinaire. Maybe more homicidal than suicidal, as I thought about it more, and drank more. Who the fuck calls their family member something that sounds so retarded, instead of John, or even Johnellis? And that family has been a political dynasty since 1980, at least.

    • The Confederate General Jeb (James Ewell Brown) Stuart provides a precedent for that kind of name. It could be Stuart’s acronym that made the name popular in the South.

      • Pretty impressive an Irishman knows his confederate generals.

        In 2012 I wrote-in the only man still capable of sorting out modern America: Nathan Bedford Forrest. Unfortunately his campaign never gained traction outside my precinct.

  4. If I were Lee Harvey Oswald, I’d feel spoiled for choice, but I’d be studying Lindsey Graham’s campaign route on the lookout for book depositories.

    • Similar to the “butterfly ballots,” I was misled by the non-traditional poll phrasing and miscast my vote for the least-revolting Republican. Lawsuits are impending.

      Lindsey Graham is the worst front-runner, but all are humiliating leadership proxies in some key way. I’d vote the negro phrenologist for second place (or to be ‘unconventional’).

  5. As of this writing, I find little fault or surprise in the exit polls. Senator Graham has 48% out of 14 entrants. Which is to say he is fleeing the field like Secretariat in the Belmont. Though I’ll wager he’s a less prodigious sire. Commenter Jimorbid made the case well enough, though Graham also holds the laurel of being the only republican with an F rating from NumbersUSA (democrats jealously guard their monopoly). He is simply otherwordly in his comprehensive awfulness.

    Senator, any comment on this prestigious endorsement?

    We’re gonna tell the bigots to shut up.. 3:55/4:00

    Though probably outclassed by the BLT prodigy, Jeb remains a viable kakistocrat and has certainly not sanitized the soiled family name. He is thoroughly committed to war, misery, and pestilence, but possibly finds himself trailing from the mere whimsy of taste. For unlike Senator Graham, some voters consider themselves capable of sharing a table with Bush for 10 minutes without lunging for his neck. I personally think they overestimate their restraint, though it’s unquestionably impacting the results.

    Governor Christie and Senator Cruz are offering a weak tertiary tier for moderates too respectable for overt race replacement. Though each does have an appeal. Christie as a blubbery liberal blowhard and Cruz as an Israeli sycophant so obsequious that even Abe Foxman became embarrassed at the ministrations.

    I’m mildly surprised at Rubio and Rand Paul’s poor showings. This given the former’s atrocious immigration record and the latter’s caricature pandering to blacks. Sometimes giving your best just isn’t the worst, fellas.

    Finally, a note on two of the goose egg trailers. Santorum’s candidacy was effectively destroyed from the outset, burdened as it was with a rare “A” NumbersUSA grade. That’s a gaffe one simply doesn’t recover from. Can’t you at least offer a flacid “America is a nation of immigrants?” It’s as if he’s not even trying.

    Scott Walker also is being hurt by his “B” grade along with some divisive remarks made earlier about protecting American workers. ‘Protecting American workers’ from whom governor? A social media click farmer in Bangalore is just as much an American as you. Take a peak out the Overton Window as it slides past.

  6. An article in the DM depressing enough to sour my sunny disposition.

    I may write on it later if anything of merit can be found to say. Though to watch England simply dissolve is something I would like for Blair to survey as his cannon-shot head passed over the countryside.

  7. The best part about Graham’s “military service”is that he was a military magistrate or JAG, which doesn’t really qualify as a grunt. I’m sure he really suffered having 3 squares a day in a heated or air conditioned room. What a patriot…

    • I don’t. Pro-Immigration, Pro-Israel, is more Hispanic than Cruz, a somewhat plausible candidate… On second thought he can’t be worse than Jeb, Rubio’s wife is blonde after all.

  8. I got a real kick out of this. A person linked here in the comments of another forum. This causing one of his fellows to suffer an unpleasant Internet experience:

    “Immediate triggering upon seeing the splash page. I see these type of ‘youth’ all the time, mimicking the hand waving style of talk and fake injury limp walking they see on TeeVee. This is the monoculture they’re trying to create. I expect this sort of thing from browns, but to see young Whites adopt this culture, which immediately places them at the bottom on the “keepin’ it real” heirarchy is painful. Worse yet is seeing white women hanging off the arm of one of these subhuman caricatures from the most recent “fast and the Furious” movie.

    I started to see this culture being created in the early 90s, around the time the “grunge” phase was wearing off. It’s amazing to me that people don’t question the negro gutter culture constantly being pushed by the media, especially the music.”

    Pushing the negro youth culture is our speciality here. Too bad he didn’t mention the offending banner.

  9. JEB is reeling Ms. Graham in, while senator Cruz (R-Israel) is making a valiant third-place effort. I have to say, I’m looking forward to Trump being in the debates.

      • I know they desperately wish not to, but my understanding is that invites are going to be premised on some tier of poll standing.

      • I would very much like to hear a debate moderator ask the entire panel a simple question: “As President, whose security and sovereignty do you consider more sacred, the people of Israel or Indiana.”

        I honestly think the responses would breakdown about half Israel (they face existential threats daily) and half “the same.” I doubt a single one would have the courage to state loyalty to their own country first.

        Of course they would all realize the awkward “optics” of being avowedly beholden to a foreign power and so their painful squirm would be quite pleasant to watch.

  10. A spot of schadenfreude for you here (you take what you can get), as the Ted Cruz campaign scrambles to return the contribution they got from a member of an organisation that got a brief mention in Dylann Roof’s alleged manifesto. You just can’t put put enough distance between yourself and a guy who wants to turn Jews blue for a day.

    • I didn’t know it was legal for political campaigns to donate contributions to other, unaffiliated organizations. I guess it would be unlibertarian or unamerican to outlaw such a thing, but I would never have suspected a politician would regift my donation to the SPCA or Burmese Famine Relief, or anything else he never campaigned for. Spending it on hookers or hush money is kind of expected, but not this. It may be legal, but is definitely unethical.

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