Tu Hablas Inglés Officer?

In the teeming pantheon of liberal malignancies, this one deserves special recognition. Non-citizen police and sheriffs. Yes that’s right, policing is one more job Americans won’t do. So here’s the plan: cede law enforcement authority and the state’s monopoly of force to…whoever shows up. That’s why America’s founders rebelled against the crown. To secure the right of semi-literate Oaxican’s to pistol whip their posterity in roadside shakedowns. They may not need them, but by Hey-Soos they’ll have stinkin’ badges from now on. This representing yet another masterpiece in the burgeoning oeuvre of white self-abasement. I do hope our museum exhibit fully captures its resplendence. Though before rashly assuming a confrontational posture on the subject, let’s hear from the advocates.

Don Aaron of the Nashville PD opines that since the American Foreign Legion allows aliens to blast Iraqis into body parts, that there’s no logical excuse for them not to expose American brains to the sunlight also.

Persons who have given of themselves in the service to this country potentially have much to offer Tennesseans.

We feel that would benefit both the country and this city.

Persons who have “given of themselves?” Were they paid or were they not? The Hessians “gave of themselves” too I suppose. So why aren’t they recalled with such delicate sentimentality? But just to clarify the logic beavering away in Mr. Aaron’s mind: alien mercenary = selfless patriotic American.

Further, “We feel that would benefit both the country and this city.” Officer, your feels are quite satisfying, I’m sure. But what else do you have on offer? Or is the point simply proved by its assertion? Such as, I feel it would more benefit the city for Don Aaron to swim the Atlantic. And the tearful PD spokesman is tossed into a stoic sea with the cheerful guidance of: Portugal is that way!

Then there are the sober ruminations of Colorado State Patrol Sgt. Justin Mullins, who explained that the department usually struggles to fill trooper positions in less populous corners of the state, including patrol sectors high in the mountains. He said immigrants from Canada, the Bahamas, the United Kingdom, Mexico and Central America who are willing to live in those remote places have helped the agency fill those vacancies.

Isn’t that touching? The global free movement of labor units is so beautiful I’m about to become verklempt. So there was a dearth of interest in remote location duty stations. And the only way to fill them is with foreign labor. Right? I mean absolutely no other options have coalesced despite my great mental exertion. Perhaps the lofty IQ of a bean-based economist could seed our brainstorms. I imagine he would counsel that a solution lurks within the penumbras of supply and demand. What if, instead of importing aliens, we offered financial incentives for domestic labor units instead? I realize it’s an exotic proposal but has it ever been attempted? We could A) pay slightly more for American police in remote locales, or B) erect Babel. Alright, so now that choice has been made…

Other agencies, like the Cincinnati Police Department and the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department, require that officers at least have a pending citizenship application on file with the federal government.

Well now that’s getting a bit onerous. Dear USG, please accept this application for citizenship. And with that form letter submitted, the world’s population is now qualified for Cincinnati and LA.

So there we have the pro outsource positions.  Are there any rebuttals? Could the USA Today scrape any bigots off the Teflon?

Mark Krikorian, executive director of the Center for Immigration Studies, said he has no problems with green-card holders becoming police officers because they’ve made a long-term commitment to the country and have undergone extensive background checks. But he worries about the security risks associated with allowing any immigrant with a work permit to become an officer, especially considering that the Obama administration has given hundreds of thousands of undocumented immigrants work permits.

“We’re handing over a gun and a badge to somebody whose background we don’t really know a lot about,” Krikorian said.

Do you know what taste winners never aquire? Milk and toast. Just imagine how poorly that weak rebuttal resonates. Well, umm, I have nothing whatsoever against these wonderful people who are absolutely committed to achieving demographic hegemony over my children. But well since being ‘legal’ is simply a matter of Obama whimsey, I wonder if we know enough about them?

For God’s sake. Does this flyspeck blog read by half a dozen people (two of whom being Heidi Beirich) have to make every fucking argument? No scorn, no ridicule, no righteousness from Krikorian. He actually concedes the core conflict in his opening and then mush-mouths a technicality as a counter. I can assure that few souls are stirred by such flaccid rhetoric.

One of those unmoved by Krikorian’s thunderous denunciation, was Ali Noorani, executive director of the National Immigration Forum. Executive directors being another occupation legacy Americans won’t fill. Mr. Noorani said “any immigrant authorized to work in the U.S. has already undergone a thorough background check and will undergo even more screening in the police application process.” The foreign fabulist continued, “The security risk is a straw man. This is about people who have gone through criminal background checks, who are meeting the very high standards that we set as a country to stay here and who only want to serve and protect their communities.”

El-Oh-El, Ali. A thorough background check. Yes I would very much enjoy hearing how that was conducted. Perhaps by a call to a pay phone in Guadalajara. Just ask whoever picks up if they can vouch for Pepe. And five sentences of slurred Spanish later a new American law enforcement officer is born. But then there is the fact that they have met the very high standards that we set as a country to stay here. That Ali, what a card.

Though if we’re going to outsource local policing, we are obliged to do so in earnest. Several proper scenarios have percolated to the surface just over the course of this writing. Here’s a few.

* Gazan immigrants should be stationed as the exclusive police force and judiciary for Kiryas Joel, New York.

* Libyan immigrant officers should patrol the Somali colony in Minneapolis.

* Mestizo and Amerind immigrants should have law enforcement jurisdiction over all majority black cities.

* Japanese officers should be assigned to every american Chinatown.

* Finally, Pakistani Muslims and Indian Hindus should work under reciprocal community policing agreements.

The security risks to all of these are straw men. These immigrant officers would only want to serve and protect the cherished communities they just alighted upon. And no one knows that better than the citizens of Kiryas Joel.

4 thoughts on “Tu Hablas Inglés Officer?

    • The Gazans spend their weekends on the artillery range, but the Japanese prison guards is something we’ll definitely need to look into–chain gang managers I’m thinking. We’ll go with Hutus for swat.

  1. and when out of court settlements are reached, it’s the taxpayers, rather than the Police themselves, or, heaven forbid, their pension funds, who fund them. That, my friend, is the sweet sound of freedom.

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