There’s Always Tequila

California. I recall my last visit fondly. Powering down the PCH in a convertible under a brilliant azure canopy. The blue Pacific and a beautiful woman to my starboard. Salt air misting the cliffside coast. That was living. Text messages and tap water seemed very distant concerns. But that was then.

For I was reading an article recently that described California’s critical water deficit. According the piece, the deficiency is so severe that under current usage rates, the state has only one year of water remaining. As in nothing. Peak parchment. No aqua senior. While it seems a bit apocalyptic to commence the countdown, math does often produce predictable results. And though I would like to sit in pleasant anticipation of immigrant Amerind hordes sucking the precious bodily fluids from left coast liberals, my hope is too dear a thing to spend it on that.

Yet one can imagine Harvey’s chagrin some morning next March when Pepe inserts the nozzle of his pressure washer for Mr. Weinstein’s Monday colon rinse and all that occurs is an impotent fizz and hiss. On that day some very powerful people will ask some very plaintive questions. First among those will probably be: how high is my electrified fence?

But before that occurs, we have a moment to wonder why California suddenly has no water. There is, of course, a drought. Just as there have been many droughts before. What’s different now? It’s quite a riddle. So I retrieved my phone to begin the research. And at that moment received a cryptic image in text from someone named “LUVn SFPD.” Here it is.


Of course direct water consumption from population growth isn’t the full story, or anything even close. Because 80% of human water use in that state takes the form of agricultural irrigation. It requires a great deal of immigrant moisture to raise crops in otherwise arid soil. So Californians should be very grateful that Central Americans don’t eat. Otherwise there would be countless more hectares of irrigated land needed to feed them.

And while any earnest liberal could come flail like a cornered goose about how millions upon millions of Mexicans dindu nuffin to the aquifier, California isn’t necessarily the point. Rather there remains an obstinate misperception that any place with X number of white people can presumptively support 100X immigrants. They would stack India onto Iceland if not for the 300 thousand bigots already there. It grows tedious having to explain the concepts of carrying capacity and despoliation to environmentalists. One wishes their ranks weren’t so saturated with deniers.

I’m hopeful we can eventually attract the Sierra Club to our cause. Perhaps a generous donation would convince them of its sustainability.


As an epilogue, the author of the linked piece helpfully offered three suggestions for alleviating California’s desiccation. I think you’ll find two of them as useful to the situation as Mr. Weinstein’s nozzle.

First, immediate mandatory water rationing should be authorized across all of the state’s water sectors, from domestic and municipal through agricultural and industrial.

There’s only so much to extract from rationing consumption while new mouths continue to waddle across the border. For it to be mathematically feasible, every new immigrant must be met by corresponding decreases in consumption for all prior immigrants. The more the thirstier. Perhaps a cool drink on a hot day would come to be even more desirable than importing the state’s 50 millionth squat Mestizo. But that’s just my preference and others may vary. The point being the concept of finite H2O resources is simple enough for even Unz to grasp.

Second, the implementation of the Sustainable Groundwater Management Act of 2014 should be accelerated. The law requires the formation of numerous, regional groundwater sustainability agencies by 2017. Then each agency must adopt a plan by 2022 and “achieve sustainability” 20 years after that. At that pace, it will be nearly 30 years before we even know what is working. By then, there may be no groundwater left to sustain.

Do you realize how difficult laughter is with a throat too dry to swallow? Let me depict the timeline as presented:

Year 1: California runs completely out of water
Year 2: Numerous agencies are formed to study the issue
Year 7: Plans for dealing with the problem are due
Year 27: Agencies required by law to achieve “sustainability.”

That’s visionary government. And I agree with the proposal to accelerate those legal provisions. Demand agency plans on the governor’s desk by no later than end of 3Q2021. And acclimate yourself to the taste of urine.

Third, the state needs a task force of thought leaders that starts, right now, brainstorming to lay the groundwork for long-term water management strategies. Although several state task forces have been formed in response to the drought, none is focused on solving the long-term needs of a drought-prone, perennially water-stressed California.

Inspirational. Form a task force…Of thought leaders! Maybe even Zuckerberg? I’ve never heard such strident aggressive rhetoric since the big WW2. This fellow is the Patton of water preservation.

We’ll win this war, but we’ll win it only by fighting and showing the water tables that we’ve got more guts than they have. We’re not just going to drink the bastards, we’re going to rip out their living goddamned phreatic zones and use them to grease the treads of our landscaping trucks. We’re going to murder those lousy permeable layer cocksuckers by the bushel-fucking-basket.

And I don’t want any messages saying ‘I’m rationing my water.’ We’re not rationing a goddamned thing. We’re drinking constantly and we’re not interested in holding anything except the enemy’s cones of depression. We’re going to twist his cones and kick the living shit out of his well head all at the same time. Our plan of operation is to drink and keep on drinking. We’re going to go through this drought like piss through an Aztec.

That’s all men.

Obviously the LA Times isn’t overly concerned about this issue. If otherwise it would feature articles proposing more serious relief than thought leader task forces. Any forthright approach is going to necessarily address supply and demand forces. That probably means more desalination and less Diego. And if you’re not prepared for such sobriety, there’s always tequila.


12 thoughts on “There’s Always Tequila

  1. You should have seen the looks on the faces of the liberals i was talking to about this when i asked, not rhetorically, “Why are we still letting illegals across the border?” Then they changed the subject. Priceless.

  2. @how high is my electrified fence?

    without water where does the electricity come from? coal/oil/nuclear boils water for steam to turn an alternator. no water = no electricity(hydro/solar/wind won’t power a wet fart).

    perhaps the mestizo/indio hoards can bring some bottled water with them? oh, and some batteries. por favor? gracias.

    • without water where does the electricity come from?

      Well there’s bicycle generators. An idea I hope that Musk moron doesn’t steal before I can put into effect. I envision future power plants driven by hectares of mexicans peddling stationary bikes in the California desert. That’s green energy, my friend…or brown if you prefer.

      Or they could dock the SS Great Britain in San Diego Bay: “The engine’s steam was produced from 200 tons of sea water held in the boiler.” But then you have the same problem. Where the hell are you going to find 200 tons of sea water?

  3. Pingback: This Week in Reaction (2015/03/20) | The Reactivity Place

    • I couldn’t discern from the article if that money was coming from Fedgov or the California taxpayer. If the former, than a little alarmism can definitely go a long way.

  4. Instead of “Let zem eat cake”, let zem drink recycled sewage water (which is already starting in some municipalities) while smugly relaxing in their ridiculously overpriced houses.

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