Happiness Abhors the Head

Periodically it occurs to me that a series of severe concussions (or perhaps one nearly mortal head wound) could markedly enhance my wealth and happiness. Pondering the malign input of one’s senses has never much boosted anyone’s disposition. Especially those without the iron discipline to ignore what is revealed. A far more sanguine outlook may be achieved in exhorting a troop of African performance artists in contested manipulations of what appears to be a perfectly spherical pumpkin. I am assured that once a spectator selects a preferred silk ensemble, he may expect stiletto spikes of pleasure each time the adopted troop “dunks” their fruit. Frankly at this point I’m willing to give it a try.

And while my own base amusements are of little consequence, we really should think about The Economy. That is to say–sotto voce–how do I personally get richer? An inordinate amount of thinking isn’t much aid in that regard either. Though I must concede to diverting a few idle cycles to the prospect. As the crickets sometimes clamor for me to declare blog victory and depart the field, I do reflect on how I could better deploy my time aiding our country’s GDP. And in those odd hours I think the answer just may be…Youtube.

I remember first hearing that a few rare personalities were earning enormous amounts of money making YouTube videos. That was long ago; a time I call “last summer.”

It was some backyard neighborhood confab.

Hey have you ever heard of that Pew Dee Pie guy on youtube?

Nope

Do you know how much he makes on his videos?

Makes? As in real money? (Shrug) What, 30-40 grand a year?

Try five million.

Uh-huh. I think I’ll try your wife instead.

As it happens he actually wasn’t kidding. I recalled that exchange, and my own flowering commitment to accruing additional Economy coming upon this piece. It itemized the most compensated YouTube channels. I think you will note a theme: stop thinking.

The number one channel is something so kaleidascopically ridiculous, that its perch is completely predictable. In it disembodied hands, reportedly attached to a former Brazilian porn star, unwrap children’s toys while describing each component thereof…and that’s all. So what can a couple of hands pull down for this type of work? $4.8 million last year. The following video has over 77 million views, which is only slightly fewer than this post will accumulate overnight.

Though that’s probably just a foolish lark gone viral. What’s another top channel? A video series on the Higgs Boson probably. Here’s an amusing one hosted by one of NASA’s janitors. This kind of entertainment I can understand. But that’s not in the top ten earners, surprisingly.

Though something called Stampylonghead is. This robber barron uploads videos of Minecraft games. And provides this highly in-demand service for only $2.3 million. Other top earners include a lithe songstress, a choreographed grappling channel, and videos for people who break-dance in gerbil masks. That one may be found below. And with 495 million views, obviously every immigrant is required to watch it once at Rio Grande crossing kiosks.

Though perhaps the cagiest entrepreneur of all is the one behind the Movie clips channel. From what I can discern, he simply copies movie trailers over to youtube. It’s a cutthroat business with hair’s width margins, but he’s still able to extract a modest living from the dirt and sweat: $2.7 million. Below is a sample from his catalogue of film previews. Watching only the first few moments, the plot appears to involve some black guy wearing a white plastic suit in the desert, while being stalked by a sentient soccer ball. I doubt such nonsense will sell many tickets, but he has others in any event.

So there it is. We all have a responsibility to The Economy, and mine just may be met through videos of constructing hate dioramas. Honestly I’d be willing to settle for half the dancing gerbils.

8 thoughts on “Happiness Abhors the Head

  1. “As the crickets sometimes clamor for me to declare blog victory and depart the field…”

    You shut your mouth, The Administration. The mental health of millions depends on you.

  2. “Periodically it occurs to me that a series of severe concussions (or perhaps one nearly mortal head wound) could markedly enhance my wealth and happiness.”

    I know a guy who suffered a traumatic brain injury, but all it did for him was turn him into a Christian Zionist.

  3. I’ll try to explain.

    A crucial component of ECONOMY is ADVERTISING. Without it, there would be no Internet, because light-speed communications, corresponding infrastructure, digitized data, physics, engineering, etc. have no intrinsic value, other than to enable someone to sell you something. There is no H1-B substitute for ADVERTISING. This is why Markie Zuckerberg’s Horatio Alger story has a market cap exceeding Ford, Smith & Wesson, & Gibson…combined. Making stuff is for peasants.

    I’ve got one word for you Ben…ADVERTISING.

  4. Over $2M/yr to be a human internet billboard.

    Clearly, corporations are swimming in cash. Hell, their accountants have to use rubber rafts to negotiate their companies’ vaults, deep in abandoned salt mines in Utah.

    Seriously, the radio ad salesmen schlepping away at 4% margins have got to be saying WTF–I’m quitting and starting an Amway pyramid.

    In all seriousness, where is all this money coming from?

  5. I know I’ve said this before, Herr Administration, but it never ceases to crack me up how much your writing reminds me of Tom Wolfe’s, both in style and content. Wolfe’s two most recent novels in particular, which are hilarious precisely because Wolfe has completely given up on trying to understand what he calls “the lurid carnival of American life” in the 21st century – it’s simply too ridiculous to take seriously.

    Take, for instance, his novel “Back to Blood,” whose so-obvious-it’s-unspeakable thesis of tribalism as an inevitable result of diversity was met with accusations of, you guessed it, RACISM. Beyond parody…

    Come to think of it, I haven’t heard much from Wolfe lately… And there’s something suspiciously polished about your writing – I’ve said too much.

  6. It seems that a compromise has been reached. Republicans will amnestize all those millions, and Democrats will fully fund the agency that fails to prevent their crossing in the first place. Bipartisanship!

    • Republicans always face a unified front of their own donors and democrats vs. republican voters. Two against one wins! The latter now having had their votes farmed and subsequently betrayed so many times that the party is at serious risk of broad brand tarnishment.

      Romney’s election change models predicted dramatic voter warming to his candidacy. That never occurred because millions of whites took Booger’s advice and said What the fuck instead of bothering to vote. I doubt they have yet adjusted the models to consider this an increasingly permanent phenomenon; but that’s why they are history’s version of the Washington Generals. Whites are growing increasingly weary of the promise/pretend model of republican advocacy. It’s going to harm those imbeciles in ways they haven’t adequately considered.

      As an aside, 87% of DHS are “essential employees” who get paid regardless of a government “shutdown.” When writing about the US government, one must always keep their quotes key close. So that also was a charade, as the critical service this agency doesn’t provide in protecting the “homeland” was never in actual jeopardy. Though one day when this government enjoys the financial fecundity native to the population it has imported, we’ll see that “essential” designation put to the test. You can’t transfer wealth that your population can’t produce.

      But that’s just my opinion, and certainly not a natural law such as those advocated by Paul Krugman.

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