Hate Under the Waves

We all know racism is the scourge of our time. That only with the eradication of white people (I’m sorry, white supremacy I meant) will we finally be able to lift our faces to the sun and proclaim #blacklivesmatter! While also being a source of sustainable hydroelectric power.

But while we wait patiently for that sure-to-come-soon day when man views others as his own, the plague of racism continues to advance. Having fouled the minds of man, it has now apparently taken to sea and infected even our most vulnerable aquatic communities. Here is the gravely reported story. Do have your Kleenex handy.

Vets believe a black seal pup beaten up, bullied and abandoned by its family and other seals was a victim of racist attacks. The two-week-old pup had an ulcerated eye and a variety of scar wounds believed to have been inflicted by other seals that were wary of his different appearance. The rare-coloured seal was found on the Scilly Isles and is now recuperating at the Cornish Seal Sanctuary.

He a good boy...gentle non-giant...loved Jesus...getting his life on track...wanted to be a walrus...wouldn't hurt a mackerel...just look at that innocent face (photo circa 2007)

He a good boy…gentle non-giant…loved Jesus…getting his life on track…wanted to be a walrus…wouldn’t hurt a mackerel…just look at that innocent face (photo circa 2007)

He was very shaken up and we had to put him on a course of antibiotics and ensure that we gave him lots of TLC.

‘Soon the pup started to recover and we discovered that he was a lovely animal.
‘We chose the theme of superheroes for the names of all our rescued pups this winter and Badger just seemed the perfect choice for our all-black newcomer.’

Black seal pups are a rare occurrence with the majority of seal pups being a shade of white or light grey.

We discovered that he was an all-around stellar chap and font of hilarity around the cod-bin. Our sensitive and caring all-black newcomer. Not at all like those nasty snapping majority pups. (Sotto Voce) The mean racist ones all tend to be a shade of white, you know.

Plainly more federal spending is called for to combat the far-far right Phoca Vitulina terrorist militia. I would suggest Homeland Security earmarks, though unfortunately a far more precious breed of seal has already claimed much of the pot. Which leaves us with little more than another incremental move toward the media’s full-spectrum parody.

Epilogue: One assumes the writer of this piece penned it under duress with a deservedly aggrieved sense of humiliation. Though the media does cultivate sufficient crops of shallow hectoring liberals who could create such turgid nursery school allegories with prim satisfaction. Yet it couldn’t have been that long ago when even a modest intellect would open the paper to such twaddle and immediately recoil with: You’ve got to fucking be kidding me. Perhaps dysgenics manifest more quickly than we believed.


6 thoughts on “Hate Under the Waves

    • I’m quite soft for animals also. Enough so to nearly get myself killed. Some months ago I was driving in a rural area, when ahead I saw what appeared to be a juvenile triceratops slowly plodding across the road.

      Braking in approach, I realized it was actually an enormous turtle. Fearing a collision would prove fatal for the driver of a 6,000lb SUV, I decided to hasten the great reptile’s progress and pulled over to scamper out and carry him across. This wasn’t entirely the best idea I’ve ever had.

      It was dense as lead and I struggled to even lift, much less carry, the ungrateful beast who immediately began hissing and snapping at his abductor. More importantly, our crossing was outside the arc of a curve. While attempting to maintain forward movement while keeping all fingers from amputation, I looked up to see a car blistering the turn at about 100mph and in a blink imagined my bereaved family fielding mirthful “why did the turtle cross the road” queries.

      My passenger and I grimaced in unison as the vehicle careened to a tire screeching stop just feet away from our impromptu rickshaw.

      I finally huffed across and deposited my cargo pointed in the opposite direction with a mumbled “dumb motherfucker” meant for us both.

      The driver signaled a “thumbs up” out the window, happy that his bumper wouldn’t require a scouring for brain matter after all. I waved back, pleased in the knowledge that my near fatal charity would soon pass into turtle lore.

      And life lumbers forward with serene indifference.

      • I had a similar experience, though not in a rural area. At the head of a long line of traffic was a car blocking both lanes with a frantic female attempting to assist a rather large tortoise to cross the street. I pulled to the curb, got out and picked him up. He retreated into his shell as I placed him in my van and took him home to my courtyard. A little research revealed he was not one of our indigenous gopher tortoises but the Red Legged African variety. Was he someone’s escaped pet? No, he had been part of an exhibit at a local science museum and when they went out of business due to a lack of funds (a common occurrence in this city) they merely put him out to fend for himself. I’m surprised he wasn’t eaten by one of our local tribesmen.

  1. I tried to avoid a racoon once in the middle of road. I positioned my car so tires were on either side of him. unfortunately, he lifted his head and learned that the differential of a Jeep Wrangler going 60 mph is not good for your health.

  2. The only Black Seal I know of was married to supermodel Heidi Klum. That sounds OK but I suppose if he were a White Seal he could have scored Gisele Bundchen. So yeah, it’s definitely racism.


  3. “Soon the pup started to recover and we discovered that he was a lovely, if troubled animal.
    Staff began noticing items missing from the employee locker room, and the head vet had her purse stolen. An altercation with Badger left the night watchman badly injured, but the incident was later found to have been a misunderstanding and the two have since reconciled. An employee fund set up to pay for staff social functions has been diverted to help Badger get back on his ‘fins’, as he has not been able to find steady employment”

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