We all know racism is the scourge of our time. That only with the eradication of white people (I’m sorry, white supremacy I meant) will we finally be able to lift our faces to the sun and proclaim #blacklivesmatter! While also being a source of sustainable hydroelectric power.
But while we wait patiently for that sure-to-come-soon day when man views others as his own, the plague of racism continues to advance. Having fouled the minds of man, it has now apparently taken to sea and infected even our most vulnerable aquatic communities. Here is the gravely reported story. Do have your Kleenex handy.
Vets believe a black seal pup beaten up, bullied and abandoned by its family and other seals was a victim of racist attacks. The two-week-old pup had an ulcerated eye and a variety of scar wounds believed to have been inflicted by other seals that were wary of his different appearance. The rare-coloured seal was found on the Scilly Isles and is now recuperating at the Cornish Seal Sanctuary.
He was very shaken up and we had to put him on a course of antibiotics and ensure that we gave him lots of TLC.
‘Soon the pup started to recover and we discovered that he was a lovely animal.
‘We chose the theme of superheroes for the names of all our rescued pups this winter and Badger just seemed the perfect choice for our all-black newcomer.’
Black seal pups are a rare occurrence with the majority of seal pups being a shade of white or light grey.
We discovered that he was an all-around stellar chap and font of hilarity around the cod-bin. Our sensitive and caring all-black newcomer. Not at all like those nasty snapping majority pups. (Sotto Voce) The mean racist ones all tend to be a shade of white, you know.
Plainly more federal spending is called for to combat the far-far right Phoca Vitulina terrorist militia. I would suggest Homeland Security earmarks, though unfortunately a far more precious breed of seal has already claimed much of the pot. Which leaves us with little more than another incremental move toward the media’s full-spectrum parody.
Epilogue: One assumes the writer of this piece penned it under duress with a deservedly aggrieved sense of humiliation. Though the media does cultivate sufficient crops of shallow hectoring liberals who could create such turgid nursery school allegories with prim satisfaction. Yet it couldn’t have been that long ago when even a modest intellect would open the paper to such twaddle and immediately recoil with: You’ve got to fucking be kidding me. Perhaps dysgenics manifest more quickly than we believed.