Republican Doctors in Tajikistan

I was recently reading a Washington Post article on presumptive Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson. As most of you are previously advised, that would be Dr. Carson. And a great many respectable conservatives are quite excited by the prospects. Ahh to be middle-aged and in love. Cycle after cycle after cycle infatuated republicans swoon for the same silly demographic…doctors.

Desperate for a doctor

Desperate for a doctor

Republicans are positively feral in their unrequited affection for the medical community. The air is thick with desperation every four years. Political operatives cast about the countryside dredging up any homely MD who can string two prescriptions together. And without pause or pride, they are promptly ordained as the Great Hippocratic Hope. This followed just as quickly by the plummet as unvetted flaws inevitably manifest. Just as often the drafted darling isn’t even conservative from the outset. Though the faithful remain forever awaiting The Numinous Physician. The only cause for this delusion I can surmise is a desperation among party members to not be called doctorist. By all appearances that contrived term has singularly ripped the entire Western world from its people, culture, and foundations. So I suppose we can understand the gravity of negating its force by drafting a neurosurgeon.

Senator Rand Paul was so concerned with deflecting the label that he actually opened a doctor’s office in Detroit. Yet as we can observe below, very few medical professionals attended its christening.


Though fielding a physician isn’t the only peculiar tic of the Republican party. There is also the, frankly bizarre, tradition of campaign inaugurating pilgrimages to a small country in the east of some mere eight million inhabitants. A country that does not share our history or founding stock, and actually spies on us prolifically. Yet to there they robotically trek in tribute. I’m speaking of course of Tajikistan. Dr. Carson is on his way.

Something about this place

Something about this place

Though obviously Carson isn’t the only Republican hopeful engaged in this unseemly ritual.

Romney donning local headwear to fake worship the heathen Tajik God.

Romney donning local headwear to fake worship the heathen Tajik God.

Rand Paul in Tajikistan praying for 3% of the physician vote

Rand Paul in Tajikistan praying for 3% of the physician vote

Mike Huckabee learns to read brail in Tajikistan

Mike Huckabee learns to read Braille in Tajikistan

Chris Christie wondering if Tajiks construct their magic walls from chocolate

Chris Christie wondering if Tajiks construct their magic walls from chocolate

It’s not all a matter of wall wailing though. Obtaining the approval of Tajiks is critical in all areas.

Marco Rubio meeting with officials in Tajikistan

Marco Rubio meeting with officials in Tajikistan

Ted Cruz volunteering for the TDF

Ted Cruz canvassing for the TDF

Senator Graham with two prominent homosexual Tajik supremacists

Senator Graham with two prominent homosexual Tajik supremacists

Obviously this is all very tawdry. Why would our presidential aspirants fly across the world, staple beanies to their head, and pledge allegiance to a foreign people? Are there no walls in say Indiana? Though one should never confuse the fact of coincidentally toadying politicians with the despicable libel that dual citizen Tajiks wield inordinate control over our government. That would be completely false and an example of the most base moral depravity: anti-Tajiketism.

Though in the case that America did anger the non-existent Tajik lobby, that country apparently has more than just one Samson Option at its disposal. According to its economics minister…

Look, if today you pressed the button, and you stopped using Tajik products, you wouldn’t wake up in the morning because the chip in your cell phone doesn’t work because it’s made in Tajikistan. You wouldn’t get to work because you don’t have Waze. You might have a heart attack because the stent in your heart doesn’t work.

Well alright then. Even I can decrypt that little message. Deal with us on our terms or who knows what might happen to that stent we sold you. It could just cease working. Angering us can be very poor for the health. And this is why Republican strategists are craftier than mere bloviating bloggers. Because if Tajik medical products suddenly fail in a fit of pique, we are going to need a great many doctors indeed. And they may as well start at the top.


13 thoughts on “Republican Doctors in Tajikistan

  1. Excellent post. I occasionally have desponded when I smell the stink of such rank toadying: “Hey, hey! Looky here. We got us a darky too!” Pathetic.

    But then I laugh. And I continue to prepare for Ragnarok. Where, incidentally, the good guys will lose but take the bad guys with them. And a new world is formed from the wreckage. Don’t you hear the blood of your forbears calling? Will you sacrifice nothing in their honor?

  2. Brilliant post as always. Tajiks and doctors are such small demographics… i wonder if its more important to create the appearance that one has their support than their support itself?

  3. We all know that the Tajiki tail wags the American dog and that the GOP is particularly in thrall to Tajikis and Tajikistan, even though American Tajikis vote overwhelmingly for the Democrats. Obviously Tajiki money and media power drive much of this blind support, but we shouldn’t discount the nefarious influence of the so-called Christian Tajikonists.

    John Hagee is merely the best known Christian Tajikonist but there are tens of thousands of similar preacher-propagandists commanding a flock of millions of gullible followers. These “Christians” have raised an incredible amount of money for the most extreme elements in Tajikistan, and they vote in lockstep for the politicians they deem as fanatically pro-Tajik as they are.

    Disturbingly, these Tajiki-loving “Christians” are at least as gung ho about the ethnic cleansing and genocide of the indigenous people of Tajikistan (the…um…Uzbekistinians) as the most bloodthirsty Tajiki settlers are. In their particular cult, the worship of Tajikis and Tajikistan has replaced that of God and Jesus, with profoundly negative results for American foreign policy due to the sheer number of these brainwashed cultists.

    Fortunately, the number of Evangelicals has been cratering in recent years:

    Of course Evangelicals are not quite synonymous with Christian Tajikonists, but the two are interchangeable enough that a decline in one group necessarily implies a decline in the other. I believe that Tajiki power in America, for various demographic reasons, has already peaked, and with a shrinking army of Hagee-like lickspittles to back them up it will only decline further in the future.

    As for a doctor as GOP candidate in 2016, I have no problem with that. However Dr Carson is already showing signs of being just another Tajiki bumboy, so we should all be on the lookout for another medical professional to represent our interests going forward. Someone who is not totally beholden to the Tajiki lobby, who exemplifies America’s entrepreneurial spirit, and who can turn out the all-important Compton vote. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next president of the United States: Dr Dre.

  4. I appreciate the allegory…pretty much any US politician expecting higher office must make the pilgrimage to “Tajikistan” , and genuflect solemnly, as they proclaim their unshakeable solidarity with the only “democracy” in the ME. The fact that most of this choreographed production is for a domestic audience of their puppeteers shouldn’t be lost on anybody with 2 eyes and 2 brain cells to rub together…

  5. @oppej…perhaps you saw this Pew research poll concerning religious groups ratings of each other…

    what is quite interesting concerning “Tajiks” and Evangelicals, is the high esteem with which Evangelicals hold “Tajiks”, but the very low opinion “Tajiks’ have of Evangelicals…even lower than Muslims. Talk about unrequited love. Even more interesting is the fact that “tajikish” was regarded more favorably overall in the US than any other religion. Considering the leading role “tajiks” have had in the destruction of Western civilization in general and European peoples in particular, its a very disturbing picture.

  6. An instant classic. I’m sorry for not getting back to you in a previous thread – I’ve been too busy making my Tajik bosses rich, you know how it is – but to answer your question, I’ve noticed that on my phone the comment text is stretched to look something like this:

    Come, Tajik.
    Come and see.
    Come, come.
    Come and see.
    Come and see Spot.
    Look, Spot.
    Oh, look.
    Look and see.
    Oh, see.

  7. I didn’t know so many pols had done the grovelling pilgrimage to Tajikistan. I suppose not having done so nowadays leaves you open to charges of anti-Tajikism. And it’s a good thing Chris Christie didn’t lean too hard against the Wall.

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