I was recently reading a Washington Post article on presumptive Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson. As most of you are previously advised, that would be Dr. Carson. And a great many respectable conservatives are quite excited by the prospects. Ahh to be middle-aged and in love. Cycle after cycle after cycle infatuated republicans swoon for the same silly demographic…doctors.
Republicans are positively feral in their unrequited affection for the medical community. The air is thick with desperation every four years. Political operatives cast about the countryside dredging up any homely MD who can string two prescriptions together. And without pause or pride, they are promptly ordained as the Great Hippocratic Hope. This followed just as quickly by the plummet as unvetted flaws inevitably manifest. Just as often the drafted darling isn’t even conservative from the outset. Though the faithful remain forever awaiting The Numinous Physician. The only cause for this delusion I can surmise is a desperation among party members to not be called doctorist. By all appearances that contrived term has singularly ripped the entire Western world from its people, culture, and foundations. So I suppose we can understand the gravity of negating its force by drafting a neurosurgeon.
Senator Rand Paul was so concerned with deflecting the label that he actually opened a doctor’s office in Detroit. Yet as we can observe below, very few medical professionals attended its christening.
Though fielding a physician isn’t the only peculiar tic of the Republican party. There is also the, frankly bizarre, tradition of campaign inaugurating pilgrimages to a small country in the east of some mere eight million inhabitants. A country that does not share our history or founding stock, and actually spies on us prolifically. Yet to there they robotically trek in tribute. I’m speaking of course of Tajikistan. Dr. Carson is on his way.
Though obviously Carson isn’t the only Republican hopeful engaged in this unseemly ritual.
It’s not all a matter of wall wailing though. Obtaining the approval of Tajiks is critical in all areas.
Obviously this is all very tawdry. Why would our presidential aspirants fly across the world, staple beanies to their head, and pledge allegiance to a foreign people? Are there no walls in say Indiana? Though one should never confuse the fact of coincidentally toadying politicians with the despicable libel that dual citizen Tajiks wield inordinate control over our government. That would be completely false and an example of the most base moral depravity: anti-Tajiketism.
Though in the case that America did anger the non-existent Tajik lobby, that country apparently has more than just one Samson Option at its disposal. According to its economics minister…
Look, if today you pressed the button, and you stopped using Tajik products, you wouldn’t wake up in the morning because the chip in your cell phone doesn’t work because it’s made in Tajikistan. You wouldn’t get to work because you don’t have Waze. You might have a heart attack because the stent in your heart doesn’t work.
Well alright then. Even I can decrypt that little message. Deal with us on our terms or who knows what might happen to that stent we sold you. It could just cease working. Angering us can be very poor for the health. And this is why Republican strategists are craftier than mere bloviating bloggers. Because if Tajik medical products suddenly fail in a fit of pique, we are going to need a great many doctors indeed. And they may as well start at the top.