Ebola Hates us for Our Freedoms

Here’s an amusing post at Anti-Gnostic concerning the deployment of American troops into Africa.

WASHINGTON — Under pressure to do more to confront the EBOLA sweeping across West Africa, President Obama on Tuesday is to announce an expansion of military resources to combat this deadly attack on liberal democratic values, administration officials said.

The president will go beyond the 25 anti-EBOLA missile batteries that Pentagon officials have already established in Liberia, one of the three West African countries ravaged by EBOLA.

Mr. Obama will offer help to President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf of Liberia in the construction of as many as 17 missile silos in the region, with about 1,700 unit-yields of anti-EBOLA nuclear megatonnage per warhead. The silos will be fed by direct conveyors from Martin Marietta facilities in Seattle, Washington, powered by micro-credit and killer whale farts in LEED-certified plants, lovingly attended by immigrant labor.

Senior administration officials said Monday night that the Department of Defense would open a joint command operation in Monrovia, Liberia, to coordinate the international effort to rip off EBOLA’s head and shit down its neck. The military will also spawn 10,000 orcs to construct siege machines, trebouchets and catapults to rain down over 500 pounds of Greek fire per minute to deal with the crisis.

“We will bomb EBOLA into the dirt, then we will bomb the dirt, then we will decompose the dirt into its constituent elements, then we will form the elemental slurry into clay balls which we shall load on to rockets and fire into the heart of the Sun,” said Obama, severing the head of an EBOLA minion and displaying it to the delighted hoots and gibberings of his Cabinet members.

But this obviously isn’t a war against viri, because family values don’t stop at the cellular membrane. What we’re dealing with is a pathogen of peace.

Rather, Obama has announced a police action to establish the Puking Perimeter as a defensive front against the Virus Cong terrorists. So let every hemorrhagic fever know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that Tyler Cowan will pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and success of our bean-based Economy.

So help us non-judgmental deity metaphor.


3 thoughts on “Ebola Hates us for Our Freedoms

  1. “God, do I laugh or cry.”

    You have made us a byword among the nations, a laughingstock among the peoples. All day long my disgrace is before me, and shame has covered my face. (Psalm 44:14-15)

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