Cultural Competency or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Cops

Uh Huh, uh huh so what happened next Deangalo?

Well, I’ve felt the weight of the white man’s boot on my throat ever since he paid for my delivery in the hospital.

It’s awful, we apologize. Did she call you the “N-word?” We bet she did, didn’t she?

Who?

Yes, you’re right. Stupid question, please continue. Are you comfortable?

So anyway, I’ve suffered under the malign oppression of whites from the very beginning. Free housing, free food, free medical care, and even a free crappy flip-phone. Would just an iPhone 4s have been too much to ask? For Gods sake, that alone is now three models stale.

You’re certainly correct about that Deangalo, and all we and our children can do is spend the rest of our lives trying to put things right. So after she called you the “N-word”–and by the way, that was incitement on her part and so don’t worry about any murder guff–she probably threatened you or made some grotesquely transphobic remark. Right?

Sure, I guess. So anyway, after I pilfered Floyd’s pistol, the racist cops found it in my car at school. And like so many other young black men I was disproportionally arrested.

Your suffering has been excruciating indeed, and we’re starting to feel perhaps lighter sentencing is warranted. You were just turning your life around. You loved Jesus. You wanted to be an astronaut. So much potential. Tell us, you loved her deeply, didn’t you?

Yes. My mama was always there for me.

What a fine lady she is. But you loved Amanda too, didn’t you?

Who?

That mischievous sense of humor almost charms our pants off as well Deangalo! So you and the love of your life, Amanda Blevins, were planning to start an orphanage in Angola. But before leaving, she decided to play a game of solitary Russian Roulette, right?

Uhhhh…

And you were in the next room and overheard her making vile racial epithets and threatening to carve a swastika on the local synagogue, right?

A what?

Right. So you rushed into the bedroom to find her with a pistol to her own head pulling the trigger?

Uh-huh

And that’s when she screamed the racial profanity at you. But instead of lashing out, as you would have had every right to do, you selflessly yelled “I love you no matter what!” And attempted to disarm her.

Exactly.

And even though you secured the firearm from her possession, in all the ensuing hysterics the weapon discharged a single round into her brain pan. That is correct. Isn’t it?

It was a tragedy.

It certainly was. And you’ve been very helpful and completely honest Deangalo. And though it’s sad your white girlfriend was shot in the head before you fled the scene and threw the weapon in the river, we find your tale of a suicide-game-gone-wrong perfectly believable. Sadly though we are obliged to charge you with involuntary manslaughter.

Racist monsters!

5 thoughts on “Cultural Competency or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Cops

  1. To Mr. Deangalo:
    It is expensive for phone service providers (Verizon, AT&T, etc) to keep multiple data delivery networks up and running. When the iPhone 5 came out, such companies wanted to shift their infrastructure allotment to focus on a newer, higher-speed network standard, which is why they offer such a high rebate when you relinquish your working earlier model. They’d love to close “3G” and stick to “4G” until “5G” comes out; it’s expensive to spread out physical resources and manpower superfluously. For this reason, you shouldn’t bother asking for old model smartphones – it’s just too expensive! Go for the cost-effective solution and request the most up-to-date model; your benefactors will appreciate your prudence.

  2. The most depressing bit about your blog is that a skilled and acerbic satirist like yourself toils in obscurity while a no talent ass clown like John Leibowitz is the voice of a generation.

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