Designated Deity Drivers


Fort Wayne, Indiana: A woman was left vexed and a man in shreds last week when driver Prionda Hill decided to finish an essay for the Oxford Journal while en route to Pinky’s Nail Salon. Ms. Hill reportedly transferred control of the vehicle to her passenger, God, who is alleged to have assured Prionda, “I will take it from here.”

According to her statement, the Holy Father then proceeded to run over a motorcyclist before striking a pickup truck and careening into a fast food island. Anthony Oliveri was struck once while on his motorcycle and then run over as the vehicle proceeded. He suffered extensive injuries including fractures of every rib on his left side, a cut spleen, bruised kidney, and severe trauma to his left arm and leg.

Ms. Hill has opined that the deity’s negligent driving was racial in nature and she also claims to have heard Mr. Oliveri utter an epithet as his internal organs were being rent and compacted.

Local police are investigating these allegations as a hate crime with Oliveri under both armed guard and a ventilator. A spokesperson for Eric Holder has stated that the department is very troubled by the ordeal Ms. Hill has endured and has dispatched a computer forensics team to scour Oliveri’s confiscated computer for any disparaging comments he may have submitted to Internet hate forums.

Formal charges could be revealed as early as next week, when it is anticipated Oliveri will no longer require a feeding tube. In the meantime, leaders in the African-American community have organized a “vigil against hate” in support of Ms. Hill for what they say was plainly an orchestrated assault.

More news on this story as it develops.


3 thoughts on “Designated Deity Drivers

  1. Shocking. I am even more perturbed at God’s lack of condemnation regarding Mr Oliveri’s behaviour. Did he even care to make a comment? He may have to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and offer a protracted and sincere apology as part of reparations. Ms Hill should have her water bills paid for a year.

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