Readers here know that The Kakistocracy is not merely a form of government, but also a state of mind. A philosophy for navigating life’s myriad thoroughfares. And while the very notion of productive labor grieves us sore, sometimes we must feign its performance in order to induce foolish compensation of phantom efforts. This pantomime of working pretense has consumed many hours of otherwise cherished leisure as late…though another tragedy blossoms beside.
You see, I am not an attractive man. Yet still, one burdened by a libido so consuming as to spill over the borders of my own person, often onto those within vulnerable proximity. I have a huge, exploding population of lust–all of which is domiciled within the most homely and unaccomodating nuptial constraints. My prodigious totem yearns to escape its hoary marital bonds and migrate into the supple flesh of more attractive female recipients.
You can imagine the problems this may cause. It is quite unreasonable to expect loyalty or restraint from a mere party to marriage. And as one who barely possesses the looks or charm to woo even his own wife into bed chambers, my lust must be satisfied through the labor of grim professionals–often at triple rack rates owing to the undesirability of their client. This I consider, like gas and electric, a cost of living. And so a lengthy procession of prostitutes, call girls, escorts, and dominatrices are invited into our home to stimulate my perpetually erect Economy. All, of course, against the wishes of my wife and contrary to our agreed upon standards of monogamy that I have pledged to uphold.
As one can clearly discern from enthusiastic copulations with a great migrating wave of women–the institution of marriage is broken. Comprehensive reform is needed.
I have attempted to address this issue with bigoted spouse in good-faith, offering her a package of reasonable accommodations. Wherein we would increase the number of women with which I am permitted sexual congress, in exchange for my commitment to divert resources away from her and our children toward other illicit unions and the offspring that may issue therefrom. In capsule: I get more sex; she gets more “fuck off.” Strangely, the hate-filled harpy has refused this tolerant gesture, thus forcing me to executive action.
And so this summer I will be forced to act where wife and pastor will not. I have instructed my local madam and the CEO of youjizz.com to identify what actions may be taken unilaterally. I expect a report by the end of the summer and plan to adopt those recommendations without further delay. Our marital system is so broken, so unclear, that the many women I’m having sex with don’t even know what the rules are. This must end.
And soon enough…it will.