At Night He Doesn’t Wake Up with the Sheets Soaking Wet, Cause a Freight Train’s Run Through the Middle of His Head


This entry is just a brief public service announcement for cherished members of The Kakistocracy. Remember to always stand beyond the blast radius of fellow passengers who are leaning into the path of an approaching train. Those within this area may suffer extensive injury.

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (CBSNewYork) — A man was struck and killed as he leaned into the path of a NJ TRANSIT train at the New Brunswick station Tuesday afternoon. Three others were hospitalized after they were hit by the man’s flying body parts. As CBS 2’s Tracee Carrasco reported, the accident happened just before 5 p.m. Tuesday. A Penn Station-bound Northeast Corridor train hit and killed the man, according to NJ TRANSIT.

The man was not on the tracks. Eyewitnesses said he was leaning into the path of the train from the platform when he was struck. The train came to a sudden stop when the man was struck. Jill Tice walked up moments afterward. “When I got to the platform and looked down, I could see the trail marks; blood, as if somebody was dragged. And then I saw the cell phone, his hat, his gloves,” she said. Four others were struck by parts of the man’s body when the train hit him. One refused medical attention, while three others were taken to Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick with non-life-threatening injuries.
“They were on stretchers — and one guy was just, you know, laying straight, but his eyes were open. He had the neck brace on,” Tice said. As WCBS 880’s Alex Silverman reported, it was a sickening scene by all accounts. Eddie Williams, who was standing at nearby, said he did not know why the man leaned off the platform. “Really hard to say because he was leaning, and he never really left his feet,” he said.

Service later resumed

So the story at least ends well. Though for precautionary emphasis: a human head, ostensibly housing a brain, weighs between 10 and 11 pounds. If detached by sudden contact with a 500-ton commuter train traveling at 60mph, it rapidly becomes a projectile possessing 896 joules of kinetic energy. Energy that will be dissipated in the form of blunt force trauma to those in receipt. So again we urge: remain upwind of these individuals at all times.


2 thoughts on “At Night He Doesn’t Wake Up with the Sheets Soaking Wet, Cause a Freight Train’s Run Through the Middle of His Head

  1. Here in Chicago about a week ago a CTA train crashed into the O’Hare airport station at high speed, so fast it smashed through the end-of-line barrier and rode up the station escalator, injuring dozens and causing millions of dollars of damage. The cause seems to be that the fat Shaniqua who was driving it fell asleep at the wheel (technically her race is not verified, but given the way these jobs are distributed I give it 20:1 odds). She had been previously reprimanded for dozing on the job, but obviously is almost impossible to fire. Even now reports say she will face “disciplinary actions up to and possibly including discharge”. Having a public transit workforce that displays the barest shred of competence and responsibility would be nice, but I suppose the real tragedy would be if it didn’t Look Like America

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